Author Topic: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread  (Read 38476 times)

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Offline Hairs

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #200 on: February 20, 2021, 07:57:41 AM »
So I was at Aldi earlier with my service dog. The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping trolley. With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had. I told her it was my service dog. Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that. What type of service? I said he was an ALD. By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly. She said, what is an ALD? I told her it stood for Arse Licking Dog. She said Arse Licking Dog? I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my bum clean, because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders. The cashier completely lost it.
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Offline filcar

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #201 on: March 14, 2021, 11:49:26 AM »
An elderly person sitting in the waiting room of the doctors, his turn arrives and he enter the doctors room. Now says the doctor what is the problem? Well doc I can’t stop farting in fact I have dropped 20 in the waiting room, but don’t worry they are silent and they don’t smell. Well says the doc I’ll write a script and you take these pills for 7 days then return and see me. Well after 3 days the farts were really bad and on the nose, upon returning to the doc, he told him the problem, well said the doctor we have fixed the sinuses now we need to work on the hearing
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #202 on: March 16, 2021, 08:26:58 AM »
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
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Offline bmwfreak

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #203 on: March 16, 2021, 03:44:30 PM »
 :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup:
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Offline Fizzie

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #204 on: March 19, 2021, 02:45:03 PM »

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of Shit, horse's ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip Shit, towel-head camel humper, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma just smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.”

**Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?**  ;D
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Online Robbo

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #205 on: March 22, 2021, 11:25:31 AM »


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Offline Bird

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #206 on: March 27, 2021, 05:34:15 PM »
The pilot of the cargo ship stranded in the Suez canal has eventually relented and phoned her husband to come and back it out for her.
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #207 on: March 30, 2021, 06:24:09 AM »
 

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There's a big difference between kneeling down
......... and bending over.

Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #208 on: March 30, 2021, 06:28:53 AM »
 

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There's a big difference between kneeling down
......... and bending over.

Offline filcar

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #209 on: March 31, 2021, 12:22:06 PM »
 ;D
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Offline Bird

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #210 on: March 31, 2021, 01:28:07 PM »


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GOLD!
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #211 on: April 01, 2021, 07:18:09 AM »
 

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There's a big difference between kneeling down
......... and bending over.

Offline filcar

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #212 on: April 04, 2021, 10:18:47 AM »
 ;D
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Offline filcar

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #213 on: April 05, 2021, 11:44:04 PM »
Five Aussie surgeons from big cities are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon, from Brisbane, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Perth, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is co lour coded."
The third surgeon, from Adelaide , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best!   Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Sydney chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Melbourne , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.’
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Offline Hairs

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #214 on: April 07, 2021, 06:43:19 PM »
:)
You don't use magic to disappear, all you need is a 4wd & a Swag ;)


Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #215 on: April 07, 2021, 10:02:37 PM »
 

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There's a big difference between kneeling down
......... and bending over.

Offline Bird

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #216 on: April 09, 2021, 10:39:22 AM »
The Brown Noser

They stick their noses so far up management's ass
That they become the laughing stock to the working-class,
Their noses are always seen covered with fetus and brown
And to management they are known as suck-ups and a clown;
But, to the working man they are known only as a poser
But, to everyone else they are greeted as the brown noser.

They had probably started out life as a teacher's pet
When their classmates wouldn't give them any attention or respect,
So, they became the sycophant, also known as fawning parasites
They are servile flatterers with quick advancement appetites;
For their sole advancement they are always self-seeking
And sometimes if you listen closely, you can even hear them squeaking.

They will laugh at their bosses stories which are not at all funny
And to look at them closely, you will begin to see their noses runny,
They will always agree and support with what their bosses say
And if they could they would only work for compliments, instead of pay;
From their bosses they will always seek their acknowledgement and approval
As long as their noses are shoved up their bosses asses without a removal .

They always seek favors from their bosses in an obsequious manner
As  though ass-kissing is their scheme and they are the pleased planner,
They practice to curry favors by the excessive use of compliments or praise
And they don't care who knows of their ultimate bootlicking displays;
Those kiss-ups and ass kissers and adulators are easy to expose
As they are the lackeys and grovelers with the brown nose.
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #217 on: April 09, 2021, 10:56:39 PM »
 

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There's a big difference between kneeling down
......... and bending over.
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Offline plusnq

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #218 on: April 10, 2021, 05:07:26 AM »
Perfect  :cup: :cup: :cup:

Offline Moggy

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #219 on: April 12, 2021, 01:10:01 PM »
 

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