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General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Rodt on February 06, 2014, 08:16:33 AM

Title: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Rodt on February 06, 2014, 08:16:33 AM
Hello All,

With all the depressing news around nowadays and as a balance to the "Daily Rant' thread how a bout a "Joke Thread".  Can be good, bad or whatever but probably need to keep reasonably clean.

To start off an oldie but a goodie

What is a Shih Tzu?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
One with no animals in it :laugh:

Rod
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: D4D on February 06, 2014, 08:17:28 AM
http://www.myswag.org/index.php?topic=24665.msg552398#msg552398 (http://www.myswag.org/index.php?topic=24665.msg552398#msg552398)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Goose on February 06, 2014, 08:32:04 AM
When i heard that joke it went like this:

A man goes to a zoo. The zoo is completely empty, save for just a single dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: baldheadedgit on February 06, 2014, 02:25:56 PM
OK....call me dumb.... i don't get it..? :'(
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: baldheadedgit on February 06, 2014, 02:26:52 PM
he he.... i got it,, i know i know i'm slow..
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: scarps on February 06, 2014, 03:53:20 PM
he he.... i got it,, i know i know i'm slow..
geez, no need to put yourself down like that?  Plenty of people around always happy to help out and do it for you:-)  But if you're right, then have I got a deal for you.

I've got this really great camp chair for sale:-)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: baldheadedgit on February 06, 2014, 04:56:07 PM
geez, no need to put yourself down like that?  Plenty of people around always happy to help out and do it for you:-)  But if you're right, then have I got a deal for you.

I've got this really great camp chair for sale:-)
Hmm i'm in tell me more
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: tourin n fishin on February 06, 2014, 08:20:57 PM
geez, no need to put yourself down like that?  Plenty of people around always happy to help out and do it for you:-)  But if you're right, then have I got a deal for you.

I've got this really great camp chair for sale:-)

lol ;D ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on February 06, 2014, 08:42:01 PM
Come in Spinner  >:D >:D lts so sad to have people that don't really follow the bouncing ball of reality as they should .
                                                              >:D


                        Or you can cut them another ,,,,,,just for fun  :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Patr80l on February 20, 2014, 12:33:14 PM
Archeologists have discovered a shovel fashioned from a tibia bone at a site in the far north. Scattered around the shallow depression in the ground were other artifacts indicating that the site was used for ceremonial or social gatherings. This is an early example of a shindig.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: scarps on February 20, 2014, 12:43:46 PM

Archeologists have discovered a shovel fashioned from a tibia bone at a site in the far north. Scattered around the shallow depression in the ground were other artifacts indicating that the site was used for ceremonial or social gatherings. This is an early example of a shindig.
had to read it twice, but very good:-)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Mallory Black on February 20, 2014, 12:50:56 PM
These are all DAD JOKES according to my young workmates
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on February 20, 2014, 12:56:42 PM

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them ...is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Patr80l on February 20, 2014, 01:04:50 PM
These are all DAD JOKES according to my young workmates
My daughter would agree.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Axl on February 20, 2014, 01:11:51 PM
Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
 

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. its perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 


One more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Brij on February 20, 2014, 06:35:55 PM
These are all DAD JOKES according to my young workmates

My kids call MySwag "Old Man's Facebook"


 ;D

Peter
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: xcvator on December 10, 2014, 07:03:35 PM
 A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"


His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;
 I do not have a headache,
 I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
 She's not my wife.
 She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on December 11, 2014, 03:27:14 PM
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and,
 trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
 that she is a Bulldogs fan.
 She asks her students to raise their hands if they, are Bulldogs
 fans.
 Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
 The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why
 didn't you raise your hand?"

 "Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied. The teacher, still
 shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are
 you a fan of?"
 "I'm a Sea Eagles fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher
 could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Sea Eagles fan?"
 Mary then replied "Because my mum and dad are from Dee Why, and so
 my mum is a Sea Eagles fan and my dad is a Sea Eagles fan, so I'm a
 Sea Eagles fan too!"

 "Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
 reason for you to be a Sea Eagles fan. You don't have to be just
 like your parents all of the time.
 What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your
 brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
 "Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: avotrol on December 11, 2014, 06:07:15 PM
We like to play a joke on the new young blokes working for us  :angel:

We ask them to go to the ute and bring back a pieworth. After searching for a while and returning empty handed, they always end up asking "What's a pieworth?" "About five bucks" is our response  ;D

Or send them to the hardware for a can of striped paint and some pre-dug postholes (most of them are wised up to the request for left handed screw drivers and hammers). They mostly fall for those ones  >:D

 :cheers: avo
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: aussie9 on December 11, 2014, 07:22:05 PM
Hey avotrol
I work in a hardware store and we get a few apprentices in looking for "long weights, stripes paint etc so I created a item code for "post holes" at a cost of $135 each
Had a young guy come in looking for dyna bolt holes so I said we only had post holes but they would probably be ok
I sold him 4 for $540 on bosses card.  Gave him a taped up cardboard carton and a tax invoice

Boss was back within 5 mins going off.   He got a refund but we had the last laugh


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on December 11, 2014, 08:17:56 PM
4 SALE
              PDFP   ( Per Dug Fire Pit )
Quickly Fax me a Slab of Cold VB cans & THE SIZE REQUIRED SO L CAN GET TO WORK  . Don't try sending empty Cans as l will know , & it wont go well for you .                :cup:                        :cheers:

Storage of PDFP is something to be taken as a matter of great care  .  Should a PDFP be stored on the top of your CT & not properly secured it may fall off  . ln that case it will be difficult to find on the road/track as it will look like a Pot Hole  .
Please send Extra  Cold Slabs of VB for instructions on how to decide which is which  .
This offer is only open to Really Stupid Swaggers   , l know who you are  & where you live    :cup:    :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: briann532 on December 11, 2014, 08:20:42 PM

This offer is only open to Really Stupid Swaggers   , l know who you are  & where you live    :cup:    :cheers:

They're easy to pick...............They're the ones drinking VB  >:D >:D >:D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: GGV8Cruza on December 11, 2014, 08:38:53 PM

 
This offer is only open to Really Stupid Swaggers   , l know who you are  & where you live    :cup:    :cheers:


They also already own a "rain away" system as well

GG
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: oldmate on December 11, 2014, 08:42:40 PM
They also already own a "rain away" system as well

GG

And bought 2 just in case the first one stops working  ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on December 12, 2014, 05:56:57 AM
My Rain Away systems will be on display at the 2015 Nat Meet.

Bring ya wallet.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: britts on December 12, 2014, 08:58:30 AM
We used to send the new apprentices to get lunch, a common order was a, Honey rollover and Lettuce on top,


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: deepop on December 17, 2014, 11:09:23 PM
4 SALE
              PDFP   ( Per Dug Fire Pit )
Quickly Fax me a Slab of Cold VB cans & THE SIZE REQUIRED SO L CAN GET TO WORK  . Don't try sending empty Cans as l will know , & it wont go well for you .                :cup:                        :cheers:

Storage of PDFP is something to be taken as a matter of great care  .  Should a PDFP be stored on the top of your CT & not properly secured it may fall off  . ln that case it will be difficult to find on the road/track as it will look like a Pot Hole  .
Please send Extra  Cold Slabs of VB for instructions on how to decide which is which  .
This offer is only open to Really Stupid Swaggers   , l know who you are  & where you live    :cup:    :cheers:
Hey Speewa,

do they come with a dot painting?
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: xcvator on October 26, 2015, 08:47:49 PM
 An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his guns and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . ... but . . , I've always wanted to!"

There are a few lessons for all of us here: -

* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control...
* And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't
   get old by being stupid...

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Black Diamond on October 26, 2015, 09:14:07 PM
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whisky in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his guns and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . ... but . . , I've always wanted to!"

There are a few lessons for all of us here: -

* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control...
* And finally, don't screw around with old folks; they didn't
   get old by being stupid...

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
Happy ending? You been down to Oriental Plums again old mate?  >:D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: scrapsD40 on January 29, 2016, 06:59:01 AM
Here's one
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: scrapsD40 on August 10, 2016, 04:21:12 PM
I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.:)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: tracker on August 10, 2016, 05:02:18 PM
Guy walks in to the Emergency ward at a hospital and presents himself to the Registered Nurse...What seems to be the problem sir ?  ...He replies ...you will only laugh if you see the problem he exclaims...to which the nurse says very confidently....No i will not...as i'm very professional in what i do......So after entering the examination  room she says !....lets have a look at what the problem is....So the guy presents his penis...the nurse looks and burst out laughing.....SEEEEE...said the guy...i told you you would laugh !!!!....After composing herself after looking at the guy's AAA battery sized penis... she then asks.......What seems to be the problem ????...The guy replies quietly.......It's very swollen......With that the Nurse left the room.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on August 10, 2016, 07:23:46 PM
Jeepers  walked into a pub & up the the bar . The barkeep asks him  " What can l get you  ??? "
Jeepers tell him , l want 6 Pots of VB , 6 Triple Rum & coke , but l shouldn't have this what l have got ???
Barkeep asks " What have you got  ??? "
Jeepers reply's ' $ 2.47c                                                      >:D                        :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: plusnq on August 10, 2016, 07:56:50 PM
Jeepers  walked into a pub & up the the bar . The barkeep asks him  " What can l get you  ??? "
Jeepers tell him , l want 6 Pots of VB , 6 Triple Rum & coke , but l shouldn't have this what l have got ???
Barkeep asks " What have you got  ??? "
Jeepers reply's ' $ 2.47c                                                      >:D                        :cheers:

Clearly identity theft. The VB gave it away  ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: oetkb on August 10, 2016, 08:06:52 PM
The real story why Travis Cloke got a recall to play for Collingwood after a lengthy spell in the 2s.
Bucks calls a team meeting and says to Travis "If you get this maths question right I'll give you a game on Saturday, to which Travis agrees. So bucks goes "Travis what's 7 plus 3? well Trav is working his fingers and breathing hard before he finally say "9"
Bucks shakes his head and is about to say "nope no game" when the entire team realises their pretty desperate for a full forward so they start chanting "give him another go"

Bucks decides to give him another go and asks "What's 2 plus 3? Well Travs puffing pretty hard now and he's using both hands to count on and eventually answers "7". Bucks head drops in disappointment but before he can speak the team start chanting "Give him another go".

Bucks is desperate for a win so he says to Travis, "O.K this one is simple, this is how many goals you need to kick this weekend, what is 3 plus 1" hoping it might help he adds in "That's 1 every quarter" Travis is looking at his team mates hoping for a hint and now the sweat is dripping off his forehead as his brain is working overtime, Finally after no help from his mates he blurts out "4". Before bucks can say a word his team mates all start chanting "give him another go" 

 :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on August 10, 2016, 08:39:38 PM
A Bear walks in to a bar .
                       The Barman asks  " What can l get you "
The Bear replies  " l want a                                                                       Beer .
                       The Barman reply's " Why such a long PAWS



                                                                     :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: briann532 on August 10, 2016, 09:04:32 PM
I don't agree with smacking children.

So when my kids misbehave, I send them to school in a Justin Bieber t-shirt and let the other kids do it for me...........
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Lobster on August 11, 2016, 11:55:29 AM
Why don't blind people go sky diving?
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
Because it scares the Shit out of the dog.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on August 11, 2016, 02:50:36 PM
I phoned the local radio station today. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" he asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths and teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Bieber concert and to meet him back stage what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.:)


 :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Hairs on August 11, 2016, 09:11:43 PM
A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Jeepers won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, Mrs Jeepers asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied.

She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you to include me in your toast," Mrs Jeepers replied.

While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Jeepers ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

"Mornin' Mrs. Jeepers," he said. "That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize."

"Well, I'm afraid he wasn't quite honest with the facts," Mrs. Jeepers replied. "He's only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on August 12, 2016, 04:32:59 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on August 14, 2016, 05:03:37 PM
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.
The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he said, "Who der?"  ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on August 14, 2016, 09:02:02 PM
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.
The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he said, "Who der?"  ;D

Hopefully  The CFA                                           :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: callmejoe on August 16, 2016, 08:40:31 AM
Hopefully  The CFA                                           :cheers:

Nar wont be the CFA they have to wait for the MFB  b4 they could do anything so why bother...
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on August 16, 2016, 05:29:06 PM
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick "  ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: monbeg on August 16, 2016, 07:03:48 PM
While we are on taxation issues...

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given my son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't. Well, here is the reason.

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the ****ing eunuch who was by now wearing his sister's make-up and dresses.
Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new-born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife Shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the ****ing knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he
did because I had to pay for the ****er's funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got VD from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying my sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to butter a hedgehog's hole backwards with a knitting needle. I'm praying for a cloud of cat Shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit,

John Murphy
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on August 17, 2016, 02:28:38 PM
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him.

So in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic..
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
An AssHole is usually in charge.  ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: scrapsD40 on August 27, 2016, 07:08:46 AM
What's the difference between Red & Green?

Apparently nothing if you're a cyclist
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: tracker on August 27, 2016, 07:15:14 AM
What's the difference between Red & Green?

Apparently nothing if you're a cyclist

   Ut ohhhhhhh !!!!......getting the popcorn..... >:D >:D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: oldmate on August 27, 2016, 08:02:43 AM
What's the difference between Red & Green?

Apparently nothing if you're a cyclist


Bwahahahaha
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on August 27, 2016, 07:47:19 PM
What's the difference between Red & Green .


Red is the blood  , Green is for Go                          >:D          HitRun  :police:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: scrapsD40 on November 29, 2016, 09:22:55 AM
Went fishing this morning but after a short time had ran out of worms. Then I saw a red belly black snake with a frog in his mouth.
Now frogs are good cod bait and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released him into the bush without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that snake, with two more frogs…!!
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: RedProw on November 29, 2016, 09:30:07 AM
Rectal Deodorant.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never  have. 

Unfazed, the  blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. 

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't  have any.' 

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde  .

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist. 

'Yes,'  said  the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' 

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ... 
   
TO APPLY, PUSH UP  BOTTOM
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on November 29, 2016, 07:02:05 PM



                                   Y H 2 B T
                                                   You Had 2 Be There                 :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: scrapsD40 on December 24, 2016, 04:26:43 PM
Sky News: A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat.
He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails..
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on December 24, 2016, 04:37:07 PM
l have always liked cats  & cats that speak Nigerian are just so special to me     :cup:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: ScarpsD40 on February 12, 2017, 08:07:12 AM
Just got the internet today and it has turned my life around in 2 hours.
Firstly I won an iPhone for being the 10,000th visitor to a site. Then I won a free Green Card to America. Found out that there are hundreds of horny women that are mad for sex in my area, found out a new way of growing my #### four extra inches, have a sexy Russian teenager on a plane over here and to top it all off I won 3 million in the Jamaican lottery.
Must be beginners luck.:)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on February 12, 2017, 08:14:01 AM
Your just slow l got all that as l set up  & pushed the go button , l have also been a huge winner of $500 gift vouchers from hundreds of retail out lets . All l have to pay is my identity & life saving   . Not a lot really                     :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: duggie on February 12, 2017, 08:34:37 AM



Trump & Obama
 

  Donald Trump and  Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

 As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The  barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to  politics.

 As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

 Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been  in a whorehouse,'

 The  second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'

Obama replied, 'Go  ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: duggie on February 14, 2017, 07:57:14 PM



Malcolm Turnbull, Donald Trump,
and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask
what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is
for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque..
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Malcolm Turnbull gets his turn and calls Australia for 4 hours. When he's finished, the devil informed him that there would be no charge and feel free to call Australia anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Malcolm Turnbull got to call Australia free.
The devil replied, "Since Malcolm Turnbull became Prime Minister of Australia, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Trev-p on February 15, 2017, 01:52:02 AM
On a international flight the other day the stewardess asked if I would like some headphones.
I replied "Yes of course but how did you know my name was phones?"
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: duggie on February 17, 2017, 03:47:59 PM
Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream and shouted . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: duggie on February 19, 2017, 10:30:16 AM
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on February 20, 2017, 07:46:52 PM
A Scottish  Gentleman dropped a penny  & bent down to pick it up ,  just as it hit him on the back of his neck   .                            :-[
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Rodt on July 14, 2017, 09:43:51 AM
Been awhile since the last entry

Not so much a joke but a pondering question / thought

In winter is it good or bad when you sit on a public toilet and the seat is warm  8)


Have a good weekend
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: duggie on July 29, 2017, 08:56:15 PM
I was sitting in my stool at the bar one night minding my own business, when this FAT ugly sheila came up behind me and grabbed me on my arse.
She said, "You're kind of cute you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "Well you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
That cost me 6 stitches but worth every one. ;D ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on July 30, 2017, 08:26:38 AM
I was sitting in my stool at the bar one night minding my own business, when this FAT ugly sheila came up behind me and grabbed me on my arse.
She said, "You're kind of cute you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said "Yea", I got a pen".
I said, "Well you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".
That cost me 6 stitches but worth every one. ;D ;D

l have had days like that ,,,,,,,,,can you believe it                   ???                :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Moggy on February 11, 2018, 02:12:55 PM
Paddy found an old bottle and decided to clean it up. As he was polishing it, a leprechaun appeared & granted Paddy one wish.
Paddy being the good Irishman that he is said "I want every time i take a whiz for it to be the finest Irish whiskey known to man" . The leprechaun granted paddy his wish.
The next day Paddy is at the pub and the lads noticed that he wasn't buying any drinks, but had a whiskey always in front of him, they asked him how?
"Well" said Paddy and proceeded to tell the tale, "BullShit" says Mick, so Paddy takes the lads into the Shitter & pisses into a glass. Mick reluctantly sips the glass only to discover the finest Irish whiskey he has ever tasted, next all the lads are drinking Paddy's piss, all agreeing it is the finest Irish whiskey they had ever tasted.
Paddy heads home late, pissed as a nit, where his wife starts to berate him for being late & pissed. Paddy explains what happened & proceeds to whiz into a glass. His wife, after some prompting from Paddy, reluctantly sips the glass, only to discover he was telling the truth & was drinking the finest Irish whiskey she had ever tasted, to which they continue to drink on throughout the night.
The next day, hungover, Paddy is late to work & is promptly summoned to the bosses office. The boss asks Paddy to explain his tardiness, to which Paddy then regails the story to the boss.
The boss is somewhat sceptical but nonetheless lets Paddy pee into a glass & carefully sips the contents.
The boss is flabbergasted and says to Paddy that this is the finest Irish whiskey he has ever tasted. He then offers Paddy a promotion with 4x times more money & all he has to do provide the boss with 4 bottles of his whiz per day.
Paddy is promoted & given an office with a big water cooler & left to his own devices.
At the end of the day Paddy give the boss his 4 bottles & heads home feeling pretty pleased with himself.
When he gets home, he finds his wife sitting at the table with  two glasses ready to be filled, Paddy looks to his wife and says "Darlin, tonight we're celebrating, I've been promoted at work with 4x times the money, so tonight we only need one glass, cos you'll be drinking straight from the bottle tonight"
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on December 22, 2019, 07:46:11 AM
This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately tells him to get out.
The tramp says that he will only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick.
The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walks into the bar and was also asked to leave by the barman.
This drunk also demands a cocktail stick if he is to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave.
This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said "Well, someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on December 22, 2019, 08:48:00 AM

Due to the sad state of my sex life,
I have decided to convert to Islam.
My new name is Seldom Bin Laid...
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on December 22, 2019, 08:49:44 AM
Gotta love Art... ;D ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: paul.o on December 22, 2019, 08:53:16 AM
Why couldn't Santa sell Prancer and Dancer on Ebay?



They were too dear. ;D


Merry Christamas. You're Welcome.  :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: DandyD on December 22, 2019, 09:05:55 PM
A Scottish  Gentleman dropped a penny  & bent down to pick it up ,  just as it hit him on the back of his neck   .                            :-[

How was copper wire invented?

Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: DandyD on December 22, 2019, 09:08:52 PM
Two Scottish homosexuals; Ben Doone and Phil McCavity.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on December 26, 2019, 06:46:06 AM
Your Job
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on January 06, 2020, 09:18:13 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200106/16a61245c4e11a42a5706d084fd8f549.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on January 06, 2020, 09:19:37 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200106/594cc34a31f38a8f00560337987e2b00.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on January 07, 2020, 09:03:33 AM
..
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on February 01, 2020, 08:38:27 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200201/35743376355857fd014bed0df0771621.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on February 03, 2020, 08:46:53 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200203/d012b35cb4d4bafcb68df5fb8f2d0079.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on February 05, 2020, 05:45:19 AM
Elizabeth and Dolly

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day.
So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity".
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down.
Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asked, "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are"
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on March 09, 2020, 07:01:18 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200309/dd89c90768917673295011f91c059d9d.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Hairs on March 14, 2020, 03:40:20 PM
:)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200314/2938a68e134ccd687b99de8af073e8ee.jpg)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: rockrat on March 14, 2020, 03:41:02 PM
:)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200314/2938a68e134ccd687b99de8af073e8ee.jpg)



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Fizzie on March 14, 2020, 05:17:17 PM
& next year's generation will be the start of the Coronials ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Hairs on March 14, 2020, 06:07:59 PM
& next year's generation will be the start of the Coronials ;D
Cheers :)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on March 24, 2020, 06:22:42 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200324/6db79371c75a32ffff596459194b98b1.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200324/62ee8ce1a7223e3f6f73b2d9d80e447e.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: gronk on March 24, 2020, 07:26:16 PM
You all thought the virus was bad..
Wait till the Jehovah Witnesses find out everyone is at home ??
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Rodt on March 26, 2020, 06:31:02 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Rodt on March 26, 2020, 09:36:55 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Bird on March 26, 2020, 09:48:58 AM
Quote from: glenm64
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200324/62ee8ce1a7223e3f6f73b2d9d80e447e.jpg)


 :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Bird on March 26, 2020, 09:52:06 AM
:)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200314/2938a68e134ccd687b99de8af073e8ee.jpg)
But will it become a public holiday with 50000 people having a birthday on the same day
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Bird on March 26, 2020, 10:21:37 AM
Apparently Prince Charles is isolating in Balmoral with Covid19 and Prince Andrew at Westminster with Jenny 14
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Moggy on March 26, 2020, 11:15:06 AM
Apparently Prince Charles is isolating in Balmoral with Covid19 and Prince Andrew at Westminster with Jenny 14
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200326/484b165e0f4d19776bd72110a666519e.jpg)

Sent from my SM-G975F using Tapatalk

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on March 28, 2020, 08:00:48 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200328/842145ffa136e43fc60b4aaf498def3c.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: MarkGU on March 28, 2020, 09:21:29 PM
How long is this social distancing thing supposed to last? Because my wife almost got back in the house twice. She's getting crafty.

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on March 29, 2020, 07:37:36 AM
..
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Hairs on March 29, 2020, 11:37:38 AM
:)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200329/194a95e1ecf05989d0c98e3c211e6f61.jpg)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: plusnq on March 29, 2020, 02:20:26 PM
:)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200329/194a95e1ecf05989d0c98e3c211e6f61.jpg)

It was a great show.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Hairs on March 29, 2020, 02:32:11 PM
It was a great show.
They were funny buggars.
:)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on March 30, 2020, 01:51:04 PM

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."
"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little "bastard " is called Kevin! ..
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Moggy on March 30, 2020, 02:04:31 PM
^ Love it.
I'm stealing that

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on April 01, 2020, 07:17:32 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200401/60f6029fa2d6cd9e5865ceef4eb5337c.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on April 01, 2020, 07:22:10 PM
Heres its toilet paper. Bosnia and Herzegovina have their own rationing problems.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200401/f6945940f048beff9fb7cf142fd6622a.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Hairs on April 02, 2020, 07:54:53 AM
Bloody dog, GRRR
Just asked me if I would like the radio left on while he went out side, Bastard.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Steffo1 on April 02, 2020, 08:21:04 AM
I just read where one in three people are unfaithful.

This really upset me as I don't know whether it's the wife or the girlfriend!
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: xcvator on April 02, 2020, 08:28:24 AM
I just read where one in three people are unfaithful.

This really upset me as I don't know whether it's the wife or the girlfriend!
;D ;D :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Bird on April 02, 2020, 10:45:29 AM
The Black Death was a pandemic in the 1300's.

t seems that COVID-19 could possibly be called the Back in Black Death
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: rockrat on April 02, 2020, 11:15:16 AM
The Black Death was a pandemic in the 1300's.

t seems that COVID-19 could possibly be called the Back in Black Death
Except the Black Death killed 30-60% of Europe’s population.


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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Bird on April 02, 2020, 11:41:11 AM
Quote from: rockrat
Except the Black Death killed 30-60% of Europe’s population.
its early days yet.  N.W.O ;)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Kangaron on April 02, 2020, 12:23:27 PM
https://www.facebook.com/Geelong.Cats/videos/2236482963322689/

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on April 19, 2020, 08:46:12 AM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200418/4fc61a4d83c945f8299a8d8ff6c11af5.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Fizzie on April 19, 2020, 08:50:31 AM
The really scarey bit is that you could easily imagine him doing it!!! ::)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on April 19, 2020, 11:03:15 AM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200419/e1dccee53b0f0e51511f2307f856a5e1.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on April 25, 2020, 08:14:48 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200425/cc087d3f2a9dd67f2f3164661b3ff187.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on April 26, 2020, 09:53:39 PM
There are 3 guys on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on April 26, 2020, 09:54:48 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200426/02fe4f55539eb1c703a96eae32de6d3f.jpg)

Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on April 26, 2020, 10:00:45 PM
..(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200426/be25a0eeaa171a82782681178dbc8ab5.jpg)

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Bird on April 27, 2020, 11:55:43 AM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200425/cc087d3f2a9dd67f2f3164661b3ff187.jpg)

Cheers Glen
:cup: :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Pete79 on April 27, 2020, 12:07:29 PM
;)

(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200427/96be8169ee335e493beb3b5ae1979346.jpg)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Fizzie on April 27, 2020, 01:27:46 PM
Inject it!!! ??? :o

Jeez, I've been doing it wrong ::)

I thought you were supposed to drink the Dettol!!! ::)

 :cheers:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on April 27, 2020, 09:57:36 PM
Inject it!!! ??? :o

Jeez, I've been doing it wrong ::)

I thought you were supposed to drink the Dettol!!! ::)

 :cheers:
& now you are going to rub what ever of your brain cells together    ?   ,,,,,,,,,
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on April 29, 2020, 06:10:41 AM

In the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her“Stammerers Action Group”. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
 "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
 "That's not good, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "OK, who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
 "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
“That's no better.
 There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a very deep breath, and eventually blurted out
 " London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

“d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: McGirr on April 29, 2020, 07:30:04 AM
A precious little girl walks into a Pet store and asks, with the sweetest little lisp, from two missing front teeth,

“Excuthe me, mithter, do you sell widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks,

“Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and  fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over dare?”  

Her face flushed with anger and she rocked back on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and said, in a stern, but quiet voice,

“I don’t think my python weally gives a thyit.”

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: McGirr on May 02, 2020, 07:38:20 AM

Paddy writes a letter to his wife Jamie...

My Dear Jamie, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When Paddy came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My "Dearest Husband" Paddy ,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow..
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on May 04, 2020, 07:03:32 PM
Therapist : Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

Husband : To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: MDS69 on May 04, 2020, 07:32:17 PM
Therapist : Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

Husband : To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Therapist: do you know what your wife favorite flower is

Husband: self raising I think.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on May 05, 2020, 05:59:46 PM
Due to self isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday. Believe me, that was a lot of colouring in.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Bird on May 07, 2020, 09:47:04 AM
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: GeoffA on May 07, 2020, 10:40:48 AM
....boom, boom, tish....
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on May 14, 2020, 08:47:20 PM
Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.

Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the Dr Fauci,  *"How many people is a brazillion?"*



Cheers Glen

Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Fizzie on May 19, 2020, 10:08:23 AM
Making News ??? / Made you Smile ??? / lets just go with Jokes ;D

One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked.

“Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.

“What happened to the carpet?” she asked.

“The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.

Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.

“Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”

“Where’s the water?” asked Greta.

“Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it”

“Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.

“Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .

“What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.

"Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”

“How so, raw?” inquired Greta.

“Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.

“But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.

“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”

“What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.” 

“Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”

This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.

Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.

 :cup:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Robbo on May 20, 2020, 09:04:32 PM
..(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200520/6fd4ef761c7022db12ba8b22b915b014.jpg)

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: doc evil on June 05, 2020, 10:37:29 AM
While shopping earlier today,I picked up some chicken legs. Just before the young lady rang them up, I asked if she knew whether they were front or back legs. She paused for a moment, read everything she could on the package and not finding the answer said; "I don't know. Let me go ask my manager".
She came back a few minutes later, looked at me.and said, NOT FUNNY!! I said, I'm sorry but I thought it was.
The guy behind me laughing hysterically blurted out.....NOT FUNNY, IT WAS HILARIOUS.

 ;D 
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Pete79 on June 05, 2020, 08:47:36 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200605/2a4fc530392295feda9acdbac21592f3.jpg)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on June 12, 2020, 08:46:44 AM

  A guy , named Anthony, was feeling terribly sick, so decided he should go and consult his doctor. 

The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, Anthony, I have some really , really bad news for you; you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus, which makes CV 19 look like a sniffle.’ 

It's called ‘Yellow 24’ because it turns your blood yellow and you usuallyonly have 24 hours to live.

There’s no known cure , so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So Anthony trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there , with her , before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. 

Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.

Next, the National Game comes up and he wins that too , getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “ Son, I've been here 25 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. 

You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!’


'Lucky?' Anthony screamed out, 'Lucky? I’ll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.


'Bugger me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!




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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Moggy on June 12, 2020, 11:48:00 AM
^^^^^^
Rotfpmsl

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: bmwfreak on June 12, 2020, 05:19:36 PM
^^^^^
Like he said :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup:
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on June 15, 2020, 09:35:42 PM
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland  .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland  are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin  , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin  ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' 

Brian answers, 'The Murphy  twins are pissed again'.

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on June 16, 2020, 05:48:10 PM
Paddy and Mick worked together in Leeds, both were laid off.

So they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation Paddy answered Panty Stitcher I sew elastic onto ladies panties and thongs.

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher on his computer and said thats an unskilled job you can have £80 a week.

Mick went in and when asked his occupation said Diesel Fitter. Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job he would be paid £160 a week.

When Paddy found out how much Mick was getting he went back to find out why.

The clerk said A Panty Sitcher is an unskilled job and a Diesel Fitter is a skilled job.

What skill yelled Paddy I sew da elastic on da panties and thongs and Mick puts them over his head and says

Yep diesel fitter.



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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Pottsy on June 16, 2020, 06:08:36 PM
Somebody get a book of Irish jokes as a gift?

Love em both. ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on June 16, 2020, 06:57:49 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200616/8739f8a68448ee83f0a2f56f70e022f4.jpg)

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on July 21, 2020, 10:07:16 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200721/e6e70aecedf84f6c279d66cb93f572ac.jpg)

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on July 24, 2020, 06:37:51 PM
  (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200724/e74c1405242f8fafe40730cbdb865f1e.jpg)

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Hairs on July 24, 2020, 06:45:01 PM
Cheers mate.
Being Friday, it's appreciated.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on July 24, 2020, 09:48:57 PM
Due to self isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday. Believe me, that was a lot of colouring in.
l have in fact had to take a jigsaw puzzle back to the shop to complain . The box misrepresented  itself to me , lt said 3 To 6 Years but l completed it in 5 weeks   .    Ripped Off ,,,,,,,,,
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on July 25, 2020, 08:36:08 AM
The 2 youngest Nuns were told to paint the huge lounge room at the retreat for the needy. "But" said the Mother Superior, "don't get any paint on your new Habits"

The 2 young Nuns decided they would lock the door and paint in the nude.

An hour later there was a knock at the door. "Who is it" asked the Nuns. "Blind Man" was the reply. The Nuns looked at each other and thought there would be no harm in answering the door if the man was blind.

They open the door for him, the man smiles and says " where do you want me to hang the blinds?"



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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on July 25, 2020, 10:40:33 AM
I went for my annual check up yesterday and everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my bum.
I think I'm going to change dentists.

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on July 25, 2020, 08:57:14 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200725/a5fbf235f2132f05461b4c04705304ed.jpg)

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on July 28, 2020, 11:10:25 PM

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. 
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"



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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: timmyh80 on July 29, 2020, 06:50:55 PM
"Late again!" The third-grade teacher sternly said to little Joe:
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some- odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Joe what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Joe and trouble were
old friends but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again I'm a gonna git him!"
"Stay back!" Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12- gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!
Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this morning!"

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: timmyh80 on July 29, 2020, 07:02:43 PM
An old lady handed her personal card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $500."
The female teller told her, "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM."
The old lady then asked, "Why?"
The teller irritably told her, "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you."
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have."
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, "My apologies Madam, you have $3.5 million
in your account. Our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked, "How much am I able to withdraw now?"
The teller told her, "Any amount up to $300,000"
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
Don't be difficult with old people... we can outwit the young and dumb.

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Pete79 on July 29, 2020, 09:32:28 PM

Don't be difficult with old people... we can outwit the young and dumb.


True story;

Cruise into a Maccas drive through with 3 kids in the car.

Me: Can I have 2 cheese burgers and 1 hamburger please?
Maccas: Sorry sir, we can’t do the hamburger at this time.
Me: Seriously? The cheese burgers are fine, but you can’t make a hamburger at this time?
Maccas: Yes that’s correct sir. Would you like to order something else?
Me: Sure. Can I have 3 cheeseburgers, 1 with no cheese please?
Maccas: No problem....

::) ::)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: MDS69 on July 31, 2020, 10:12:05 PM
True story;

Cruise into a Maccas drive through with 3 kids in the car.

Me: Can I have 2 cheese burgers and 1 hamburger please?
Maccas: Sorry sir, we can’t do the hamburger at this time.
Me: Seriously? The cheese burgers are fine, but you can’t make a hamburger at this time?
Maccas: Yes that’s correct sir. Would you like to order something else?
Me: Sure. Can I have 3 cheeseburgers, 1 with no cheese please?
Maccas: No problem....

::) ::)

My young bloke has an intolerance to tomato sauce and is a fussy Shit as well so when ordering his cheeseburger from Maccas I say can I please have a cheeseburger, meat and cheese only. This one time he opened a burger box and not a wrapper to find a meat patty and a slice of cheese on top, no bun. Now I have to say can I please have a cheeseburger, meat and cheese only on the bun.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: alnjan on July 31, 2020, 10:32:39 PM
My young bloke has an intolerance to tomato sauce and is a fussy Shit as well so when ordering his cheeseburger from Maccas I say can I please have a cheeseburger, meat and cheese only. This one time he opened a burger box and not a wrapper to find a meat patty and a slice of cheese on top, no bun. Now I have to say can I please have a cheeseburger, meat and cheese only on the bun.

You want fussy.   Try the bride.   So doesn't eat red meat but loves hamburgers.   Can I have a works burger with no meat onion?   
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on August 06, 2020, 07:24:31 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200806/1784a6b74d1bbee73a5a0dc9a34faea8.jpg)

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: speewa158 on August 06, 2020, 07:53:38 PM
(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200806/1784a6b74d1bbee73a5a0dc9a34faea8.jpg)

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That sounds like the unions  & Disaster State Dan in whats left of our once Great State of Victoria  .
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Fizzie on August 07, 2020, 08:32:59 AM
As I got from my eldest yesterday:

COVID - Citizens Of Victoria Ignoring Directions!

 :'(

Stay safe down there everybody!
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on August 07, 2020, 10:10:08 AM
That sounds like the unions  & Disaster State Dan in whats left of our once Great State of Victoria  .
Speewa, find a new drum to beat will you.

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Pete79 on August 07, 2020, 01:59:51 PM
Speewa, find a new drum to beat will you.

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He’s not alone with spinning that broken record... ::)
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Bird on August 07, 2020, 02:53:51 PM
Lots of jobs going in a Beriut chemical plant.

Crap $ on dayshift, but the nitrate is excellent.
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Pottsy on August 07, 2020, 04:57:14 PM
Lots of jobs going in a Beriut chemical plant.

Crap $ on dayshift, but the nitrate is excellent.
Boom tish!!!
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on August 07, 2020, 05:06:34 PM
 (https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200807/1b9cec4afc72127b3d001e5a1b1cb0c1.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200807/075c0fd0815a4063b50e24eccf77a685.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200807/2a4710d246b61e21a004e83b4c39280f.jpg)(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20200807/71d3be19766be8a0c96d8f1425d3426b.jpg)

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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: glenm64 on August 07, 2020, 05:30:43 PM

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"


"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.



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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: HEM19X on August 08, 2020, 03:48:46 PM
C.O.V.I.D.

Citizens Of Victoria Ignoring Directions.



 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: briann532 on August 08, 2020, 04:09:58 PM
Me: My wife ran away last week with my best friend Joe.

Mate: Since when has Joe been your best friend???

Me: Since last week!

Title: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: lloydus67 on August 08, 2020, 09:53:04 PM
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties



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Title: Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
Post by: Hairs on August 26, 2020, 03:54:57 PM
First up,
Sorry if this been posted before, :(

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irishman answered his door to find two grim-faced constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen,” said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O’Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’Flynn. Swallowing hard, he then asked, “What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, “We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Cheers