Author Topic: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread  (Read 25111 times)

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Offline Rodt

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For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« on: February 06, 2014, 08:16:33 AM »
Hello All,

With all the depressing news around nowadays and as a balance to the "Daily Rant' thread how a bout a "Joke Thread".  Can be good, bad or whatever but probably need to keep reasonably clean.

To start off an oldie but a goodie

What is a Shih Tzu?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
One with no animals in it :laugh:

Rod

Offline D4D

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Offline Goose

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2014, 08:32:04 AM »
When i heard that joke it went like this:

A man goes to a zoo. The zoo is completely empty, save for just a single dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

Offline baldheadedgit

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2014, 02:25:56 PM »
OK....call me dumb.... i don't get it..? :'(

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Offline baldheadedgit

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2014, 02:26:52 PM »
he he.... i got it,, i know i know i'm slow..

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scarps

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2014, 03:53:20 PM »
he he.... i got it,, i know i know i'm slow..
geez, no need to put yourself down like that?  Plenty of people around always happy to help out and do it for you:-)  But if you're right, then have I got a deal for you.

I've got this really great camp chair for sale:-)

Offline baldheadedgit

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2014, 04:56:07 PM »
geez, no need to put yourself down like that?  Plenty of people around always happy to help out and do it for you:-)  But if you're right, then have I got a deal for you.

I've got this really great camp chair for sale:-)
Hmm i'm in tell me more

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Offline tourin n fishin

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2014, 08:20:57 PM »
geez, no need to put yourself down like that?  Plenty of people around always happy to help out and do it for you:-)  But if you're right, then have I got a deal for you.

I've got this really great camp chair for sale:-)

lol ;D ;D
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Offline speewa158

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: February 06, 2014, 08:42:01 PM »
Come in Spinner  >:D >:D lts so sad to have people that don't really follow the bouncing ball of reality as they should .
                                                              >:D


                        Or you can cut them another ,,,,,,just for fun  :cheers:
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Offline Patr80l

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2014, 12:33:14 PM »
Archeologists have discovered a shovel fashioned from a tibia bone at a site in the far north. Scattered around the shallow depression in the ground were other artifacts indicating that the site was used for ceremonial or social gatherings. This is an early example of a shindig.
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scarps

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2014, 12:43:46 PM »

Archeologists have discovered a shovel fashioned from a tibia bone at a site in the far north. Scattered around the shallow depression in the ground were other artifacts indicating that the site was used for ceremonial or social gatherings. This is an early example of a shindig.
had to read it twice, but very good:-)

Offline Mallory Black

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2014, 12:50:56 PM »
These are all DAD JOKES according to my young workmates
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Offline Robbo

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2014, 12:56:42 PM »

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them ...is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable'

Offline Patr80l

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2014, 01:04:50 PM »
These are all DAD JOKES according to my young workmates
My daughter would agree.
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Offline Axl

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: February 20, 2014, 01:11:51 PM »
Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
 

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. its perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 


One more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Cheers Axl

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Offline Brij

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2014, 06:35:55 PM »
These are all DAD JOKES according to my young workmates

My kids call MySwag "Old Man's Facebook"


 ;D

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Offline xcvator

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #16 on: December 10, 2014, 07:03:35 PM »
 A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"


His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;
 I do not have a headache,
 I do not have a headache.'

It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.
 She's not my wife.
 She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
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Offline Jeepers Creepers

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2014, 03:27:14 PM »
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and,
 trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class
 that she is a Bulldogs fan.
 She asks her students to raise their hands if they, are Bulldogs
 fans.
 Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
 The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why
 didn't you raise your hand?"

 "Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied. The teacher, still
 shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are
 you a fan of?"
 "I'm a Sea Eagles fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher
 could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Sea Eagles fan?"
 Mary then replied "Because my mum and dad are from Dee Why, and so
 my mum is a Sea Eagles fan and my dad is a Sea Eagles fan, so I'm a
 Sea Eagles fan too!"

 "Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
 reason for you to be a Sea Eagles fan. You don't have to be just
 like your parents all of the time.
 What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your
 brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
 "Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

Offline avotrol

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2014, 06:07:15 PM »
We like to play a joke on the new young blokes working for us  :angel:

We ask them to go to the ute and bring back a pieworth. After searching for a while and returning empty handed, they always end up asking "What's a pieworth?" "About five bucks" is our response  ;D

Or send them to the hardware for a can of striped paint and some pre-dug postholes (most of them are wised up to the request for left handed screw drivers and hammers). They mostly fall for those ones  >:D

 :cheers: avo
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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2014, 07:22:05 PM »
Hey avotrol
I work in a hardware store and we get a few apprentices in looking for "long weights, stripes paint etc so I created a item code for "post holes" at a cost of $135 each
Had a young guy come in looking for dyna bolt holes so I said we only had post holes but they would probably be ok
I sold him 4 for $540 on bosses card.  Gave him a taped up cardboard carton and a tax invoice

Boss was back within 5 mins going off.   He got a refund but we had the last laugh


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Offline speewa158

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #20 on: December 11, 2014, 08:17:56 PM »
4 SALE
              PDFP   ( Per Dug Fire Pit )
Quickly Fax me a Slab of Cold VB cans & THE SIZE REQUIRED SO L CAN GET TO WORK  . Don't try sending empty Cans as l will know , & it wont go well for you .                :cup:                        :cheers:

Storage of PDFP is something to be taken as a matter of great care  .  Should a PDFP be stored on the top of your CT & not properly secured it may fall off  . ln that case it will be difficult to find on the road/track as it will look like a Pot Hole  .
Please send Extra  Cold Slabs of VB for instructions on how to decide which is which  .
This offer is only open to Really Stupid Swaggers   , l know who you are  & where you live    :cup:    :cheers:
You can go your own way . Treg Up & Make Dust

Offline briann532

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #21 on: December 11, 2014, 08:20:42 PM »

This offer is only open to Really Stupid Swaggers   , l know who you are  & where you live    :cup:    :cheers:

They're easy to pick...............They're the ones drinking VB  >:D >:D >:D
Back to a swag!
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Offline GGV8Cruza

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #22 on: December 11, 2014, 08:38:53 PM »

 
This offer is only open to Really Stupid Swaggers   , l know who you are  & where you live    :cup:    :cheers:


They also already own a "rain away" system as well

GG

Offline oldmate

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #23 on: December 11, 2014, 08:42:40 PM »
They also already own a "rain away" system as well

GG

And bought 2 just in case the first one stops working  ;D
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Offline Jeepers Creepers

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #24 on: December 12, 2014, 05:56:57 AM »
My Rain Away systems will be on display at the 2015 Nat Meet.

Bring ya wallet.