Author Topic: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread  (Read 28054 times)

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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #125 on: May 04, 2020, 07:03:32 PM »
Therapist : Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

Husband : To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.
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Offline MDS69

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #126 on: May 04, 2020, 07:32:17 PM »
Therapist : Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

Husband : To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Therapist: do you know what your wife favorite flower is

Husband: self raising I think.

Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #127 on: May 05, 2020, 05:59:46 PM »
Due to self isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday. Believe me, that was a lot of colouring in.
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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #128 on: May 07, 2020, 09:47:04 AM »
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
-
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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #129 on: May 07, 2020, 10:40:48 AM »
....boom, boom, tish....
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #130 on: May 14, 2020, 08:47:20 PM »
Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.

Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the Dr Fauci,  *"How many people is a brazillion?"*



Cheers Glen

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Offline Fizzie

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #131 on: May 19, 2020, 10:08:23 AM »
Making News ??? / Made you Smile ??? / lets just go with Jokes ;D

One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. “What’s this?” she asked.

“Pulverized willow bark,” replied her fairy godmother.

“What happened to the carpet?” she asked.

“The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,” came the response.

Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.

“Your old toothbrush?” noted her godmother, “Also nylon.”

“Where’s the water?” asked Greta.

“Down the road in the canal,” replied her godmother, ‘Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it”

“Why’s there no running water?” Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.

“Well,” said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, “Where do we begin?” There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it’s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that’s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden’s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .

“What’s for breakfast?” interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.

"Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,” replied her godmother. “Raw.”

“How so, raw?” inquired Greta.

“Well, . . .” And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can’t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.

“But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,” lamented Greta.

“Tilda died this morning,” the godmother explained. “Bacterial pneumonia.”

“What?!” interjected Greta. “No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.” 

“Not anymore,” explained godmother “The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there’s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can’t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.”

This represents only a fraction of Greta’s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.

Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized.

 :cup:
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Offline Robbo

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #132 on: May 20, 2020, 09:04:32 PM »
..

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Offline doc evil

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #133 on: June 05, 2020, 10:37:29 AM »
While shopping earlier today,I picked up some chicken legs. Just before the young lady rang them up, I asked if she knew whether they were front or back legs. She paused for a moment, read everything she could on the package and not finding the answer said; "I don't know. Let me go ask my manager".
She came back a few minutes later, looked at me.and said, NOT FUNNY!! I said, I'm sorry but I thought it was.
The guy behind me laughing hysterically blurted out.....NOT FUNNY, IT WAS HILARIOUS.

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Offline Pete79

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #134 on: June 05, 2020, 08:47:36 PM »

Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #135 on: June 12, 2020, 08:46:44 AM »

  A guy , named Anthony, was feeling terribly sick, so decided he should go and consult his doctor. 

The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, Anthony, I have some really , really bad news for you; you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus, which makes CV 19 look like a sniffle.’ 

It's called ‘Yellow 24’ because it turns your blood yellow and you usuallyonly have 24 hours to live.

There’s no known cure , so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So Anthony trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there , with her , before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. 

Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.

Next, the National Game comes up and he wins that too , getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “ Son, I've been here 25 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. 

You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!’


'Lucky?' Anthony screamed out, 'Lucky? I’ll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.


'Bugger me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!




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Offline Moggy

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #136 on: June 12, 2020, 11:48:00 AM »
^^^^^^
Rotfpmsl

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Offline bmwfreak

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #137 on: June 12, 2020, 05:19:36 PM »
^^^^^
Like he said :cup: :cup: :cup: :cup:
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #138 on: June 15, 2020, 09:35:42 PM »
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland  .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland  are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin  , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin  ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I!Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' 

Brian answers, 'The Murphy  twins are pissed again'.

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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #139 on: June 16, 2020, 05:48:10 PM »
Paddy and Mick worked together in Leeds, both were laid off.

So they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation Paddy answered Panty Stitcher I sew elastic onto ladies panties and thongs.

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher on his computer and said thats an unskilled job you can have £80 a week.

Mick went in and when asked his occupation said Diesel Fitter. Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job he would be paid £160 a week.

When Paddy found out how much Mick was getting he went back to find out why.

The clerk said A Panty Sitcher is an unskilled job and a Diesel Fitter is a skilled job.

What skill yelled Paddy I sew da elastic on da panties and thongs and Mick puts them over his head and says

Yep diesel fitter.



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Offline Pottsy

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #140 on: June 16, 2020, 06:08:36 PM »
Somebody get a book of Irish jokes as a gift?

Love em both. ;D
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #141 on: June 16, 2020, 06:57:49 PM »
 

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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #142 on: July 21, 2020, 10:07:16 PM »
 

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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #143 on: July 24, 2020, 06:37:51 PM »
 

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #144 on: July 24, 2020, 06:45:01 PM »
Cheers mate.
Being Friday, it's appreciated.
You don't use magic to disappear, all you need is a 4wd & a Swag ;)


Offline speewa158

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #145 on: July 24, 2020, 09:48:57 PM »
Due to self isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday. Believe me, that was a lot of colouring in.
l have in fact had to take a jigsaw puzzle back to the shop to complain . The box misrepresented  itself to me , lt said 3 To 6 Years but l completed it in 5 weeks   .    Ripped Off ,,,,,,,,,
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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #146 on: July 25, 2020, 08:36:08 AM »
The 2 youngest Nuns were told to paint the huge lounge room at the retreat for the needy. "But" said the Mother Superior, "don't get any paint on your new Habits"

The 2 young Nuns decided they would lock the door and paint in the nude.

An hour later there was a knock at the door. "Who is it" asked the Nuns. "Blind Man" was the reply. The Nuns looked at each other and thought there would be no harm in answering the door if the man was blind.

They open the door for him, the man smiles and says " where do you want me to hang the blinds?"



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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #147 on: July 25, 2020, 10:40:33 AM »
I went for my annual check up yesterday and everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my bum.
I think I'm going to change dentists.

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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #148 on: July 25, 2020, 08:57:14 PM »
 

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Offline glenm64

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Re: For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread
« Reply #149 on: July 28, 2020, 11:10:25 PM »

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. 
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"



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