Another Joke Section

[Ricklanga]

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the
man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got
bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.";

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American
docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need
amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself!"

[Jeepers Creepers]

I've just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

So i stormed up to my wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law, got it!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want."

"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied,
"The f#ckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

[Bill]

 
Bill

[oldmate]

Hahahahaha

[Tom]

 

[Foo]

 

Foo

[savio]

Classic!! 

[Swannie]

 

[jwb]

reminds me of a guy I used to work with;
He told me a story when early in his marriage he came home from a pub session with a mate ( both sloshed) and
proceeded to throw his now cold dinner in the bin and demanded some hot food!
He awoke in hospital some time later, His bride clocked him with a rolling pin! Holy crap )
He never made that mistake again!

cheers

[Jeepers Creepers]

Prince Charles, yes him, was in Ipswich (west of Brisbane) yesterday for an official opening of some building.

Here they all are, standing around in 23 to 24 degrees and in walks ol Charlie, dressed to the eyeballs in a full royal ceremony outfit, but wearing a hat made out of fox skin.

The local media were all over it like a 10 year old on a snickers bar.

Mayor Paul Pasali was a bit spun out by the hat and everyone was talking in hushed whispers.

During the formal dinner, Mayor Pasali said to Charles.....
"I have to know, why are you wearing a fox hat?"

Charles replied, "Well you see, its Mummies idea"

Mayor Pasali, looking very bewildered, says.... "But why would she say that, its far too hot for a fox hat and with the animal liberation folks, gee, it was a bold suggestion on her part."

Charles nodded and said, "i thought so too, but you know Mummy.  I spoke to her on the phone last night to tell her about the previous day and she seemed so very excited.
Then she asked, "Oh Charles, where are you going tomorrow?"
I replied, "Oh mummy, I'm going to a place called Ipswich"

She replied in best royal voice, "Oh, wear the fox hat"

[Barrabart]

HAHA....

[gibbo301]

I was a bit slow on the uptake but i finally got it Lol 

[kylarama]

Said in my best Irish accent.

Whale Oil Beef Hooked...

[Ynot]

Had to read it twice but got it in the end

[Tom]

HUH ?
Cheers.
Titch

[JU5T1N]

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."
"What's dat den?" asks Mikey.
"Send me lawn away to be mowed."

[bunyip]

boom tish

[Ynot]

That's a corker!
Keep them coming.

[Jeepers Creepers]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. He had to, that's where the separate thread for the jokes was. 

[hodgefamily]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. He had to, that's where the separate thread for the jokes was. 

Very funny! I like that one.

[Kit_e_kat9]

So now there are two jokes contained within, it isn't really seperate is it?

Kit_e
(the 3rd joke on this page)

[graylyn]

BLONDE

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.  They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.




"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."


Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"


"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo?

[britts]

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either!

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation, (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!" It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Typical Australian sayings:-
G'Day! She'll be right mate. No Worries.
Tips to Surviving Australia:
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

How to identify Australians
They waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must have.
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
Will react in horror when companies try to market "Anzac cookies".
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

[Kit_e_kat9]

Thanks Britts.  I did often wonder about a few of those things myself.  Issue solvered!

Kit_e

[fuji]

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan
He is making land mines that look like prayer mats
Business is really good
His prophets are going through the roof.