For a Bit of Fun - Joke Thread

[timmyh80]

"Late again!" The third-grade teacher sternly said to little Joe:
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some- odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Joe what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Joe and trouble were
old friends but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again I'm a gonna git him!"
"Stay back!" Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12- gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!
Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this morning!"

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[timmyh80]

An old lady handed her personal card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $500."
The female teller told her, "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM."
The old lady then asked, "Why?"
The teller irritably told her, "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you."
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have."
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, "My apologies Madam, you have $3.5 million
in your account. Our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked, "How much am I able to withdraw now?"
The teller told her, "Any amount up to $300,000"
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
Don't be difficult with old people... we can outwit the young and dumb.

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[Pete79]

Don't be difficult with old people... we can outwit the young and dumb.

True story;

Cruise into a Maccas drive through with 3 kids in the car.

Me: Can I have 2 cheese burgers and 1 hamburger please?
Maccas: Sorry sir, we can't do the hamburger at this time.
Me: Seriously? The cheese burgers are fine, but you can't make a hamburger at this time?
Maccas: Yes that's correct sir. Would you like to order something else?
Me: Sure. Can I have 3 cheeseburgers, 1 with no cheese please?
Maccas: No problem....

[MDS69]

True story;

Cruise into a Maccas drive through with 3 kids in the car.

Me: Can I have 2 cheese burgers and 1 hamburger please?
Maccas: Sorry sir, we can't do the hamburger at this time.
Me: Seriously? The cheese burgers are fine, but you can't make a hamburger at this time?
Maccas: Yes that's correct sir. Would you like to order something else?
Me: Sure. Can I have 3 cheeseburgers, 1 with no cheese please?
Maccas: No problem....

My young bloke has an intolerance to tomato sauce and is a fussy Shit as well so when ordering his cheeseburger from Maccas I say can I please have a cheeseburger, meat and cheese only. This one time he opened a burger box and not a wrapper to find a meat patty and a slice of cheese on top, no bun. Now I have to say can I please have a cheeseburger, meat and cheese only on the bun.

[alnjan]

My young bloke has an intolerance to tomato sauce and is a fussy Shit as well so when ordering his cheeseburger from Maccas I say can I please have a cheeseburger, meat and cheese only. This one time he opened a burger box and not a wrapper to find a meat patty and a slice of cheese on top, no bun. Now I have to say can I please have a cheeseburger, meat and cheese only on the bun.

You want fussy.   Try the bride.   So doesn't eat red meat but loves hamburgers.   Can I have a works burger with no meat onion?   

[glenm64]

 

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[speewa158]

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That sounds like the unions  & Disaster State Dan in whats left of our once Great State of Victoria  .

[Fizzie]

As I got from my eldest yesterday:

COVID - Citizens Of Victoria Ignoring Directions!



Stay safe down there everybody!

[glenm64]

That sounds like the unions  & Disaster State Dan in whats left of our once Great State of Victoria  .

Speewa, find a new drum to beat will you.

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[Pete79]

Speewa, find a new drum to beat will you.

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He's not alone with spinning that broken record...

[Bird]

Lots of jobs going in a Beriut chemical plant.

Crap $ on dayshift, but the nitrate is excellent.

[Pottsy]

Lots of jobs going in a Beriut chemical plant.

Crap $ on dayshift, but the nitrate is excellent.

Boom tish!!!

[glenm64]

 

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[glenm64]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.

Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied. They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"


"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon.



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[HEM19X]

C.O.V.I.D.

Citizens Of Victoria Ignoring Directions.

[briann532]

Me: My wife ran away last week with my best friend Joe.

Mate: Since when has Joe been your best friend???

Me: Since last week!

[lloydus67]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties



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[Hairs]

First up,
Sorry if this been posted before,

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irishman answered his door to find two grim-faced constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O'Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen," said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O'Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O'Flynn. Swallowing hard, he then asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Cheers

[xcvator]

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out roo shooting yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can't remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my landcruiser

Sergeant:
What kind of Landcruiser was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 1980 hj45 with 12ht, full custom dolbinson springs tough dog big bore foam cell shocks superior engineering extra heavy duty anti inversion shackles, 1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Coopers stt 285/75 16Tires, Custom Big ass steel roo stopping bull bar with Thomas pto winch, hid spotlights narva led light bar codan HF, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, lambs wool seat covers, twin stacks with custom 3 inch exhaust, 200ltr long range tank. Ol e lockers front and rear,Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille,
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Landcruiser.

[Lobster]

Why dont blind people go sky diving........




Because it scares the Shit out of the dog.

[glenm64]

People are such hypocrites. 

A relative of mine was called a hero for donating a kidney.
 

But when I arrive with ten to donate, they call me a monster!!!



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[glenm64]

With Corona Virus ravaging Europe, Germany is advising everyone to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are preparing for wurst kase scenario.

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[Steffo1]

I bought a cold carton of beer yesterday and on the way home, stopped at a servo for diesel.
There was a gorgeous redhead at the same bowser, filling her car. It was a stinking day and while at the pump, I thought that I should have put the beers in the car fridge straight away. So, after fuelling up and paying, I moved the vehicle to a parking area and proceeded to place the beers in the Engel.

Just then, the redhead walked out of the servo, saw the cold beers, came over and said, in an amazingly sexy voice " I'm a great believer in barter so, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?'

I thought for a second or two and then asked ' What kind of beer do you have?'

[glenm64]

 

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[glenm64]

 

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