They come in all types, but come they do.....

[Jeepers Creepers]

Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart.
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.

Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide).
A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a bumburner.

Windy Fart....
The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

Growling Fart.
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow, it never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a savage dog at the vet.

Worrying Fart
The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity. Prelude To A Poopie You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Compost Fart.
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

Beefy One.
Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!' Will smell a bit like the rotting carcus of a dead cow.

Present (a.k.a 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.

Squeaky Fart
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.

Bumbuster Fart 'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting as if it is on fire. You can really feel these babies.

Trouser Ripping Special.
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

Escape Pod Fart.
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a sewerage plant, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

Brewer Fart.
You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.

Sphinctal Napalm.
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.

Stalker Fart.
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised for poor manners.

Burble Fart Bubbly!
On The Spot Fart You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.

Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart) You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but anal law tends to win out in the end.

Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.

GNL Fart Gambled 'n' lost.
You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...

Underwater Fart.
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.

Gunshot Fart.
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my wife who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named." A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their existance.

[qlddsl]

I think I can tick nearly everyone of those off that list today, much to SWMBO's disgust

[GeoffA]

.........much to SWMBO's disgust

They just have no sense of humour about it.........

Our son can manage a GENUINE 10 second effort.......real control......even his sister has a giggle......

[Jeepers Creepers]

A skinny little white guy gets into an elevator, looks up and sees thisHUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guystaring at him, looks down, and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inchdick, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.
'The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?
'The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give youthe answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. . . . Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'turn around'.'

[bullfrog]

But you forgot
The Hydrostatic Fart.. A fart with a fluid drive
and
The Cat Tormentor... usually high pitched, a highly disturbing flavour that clears the cat from the room. Others wonder whats wrong with the cat ,only to be hit like a sledge hammer in the nose.
the best one of all
The Drop & Run... A fart that is hatched ( you know it will kill a stay dog from 30 paces) but is somewhat delayed allowing enough time to vacate the detonation zone & watch the reactions from a safe distance.

[MarkGU]

But you forgot
The Hydrostatic Fart.. A fart with a fluid drive
and
The Cat Tormentor... usually high pitched, a highly disturbing flavour that clears the cat from the room. Others wonder whats wrong with the cat ,only to be hit like a sledge hammer in the nose.
the best one of all
The Drop & Run... A fart that is hatched ( you know it will kill a stay dog from 30 paces) but is somewhat delayed allowing enough time to vacate the detonation zone & watch the reactions from a safe distance.

i reckon we've heard your full artillery of each and every one of those Bevan 

[bullfrog]

I forgot...
The Kenworth fart.... Sounds like a KW sitting on the jake brake, goes on for eternity, normally low in nasal offense, but has enough sound to bluff anyone in earshot.
Some members of this household are masters in this art........

[Jeepers Creepers]

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to soil yourself' road-kill chilli.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your arse cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the study.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and beganpushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, sh!t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned staff member turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor staff member, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing.
When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toliets, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand arse explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my arse is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the toilets, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Woolies.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[bullfrog]

Amen brother, know what you mean. Copped a dodgy Pepperoni Pizza at South West Rocks years ago. Every crapper between there & Grafton was visited. It's a worry when you don't know which will happen1st, touch down or slash down. I now understand that Johnny Cash song a whole lot better   

[MarkGU]

you all forget the mess my infant son leaves after a follow through 

[bullfrog]

Ahh, I see he takes after his old man eh