sprucin it up fellas

[phatassphairy]

Just in case there are any fellas out there thinking about sprucing it up for the ladies ....... you need to read this first ...all the way to the end.

My Niece just tagged me in FB on this comment ....i truly was laughing so much that my 14yrDD come out to check if i was alright  ....doing way to much of a visual thing for me

((((and note my visual does not include barrabart .... I promise    ))))



THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. I ACTUALLY HAD TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE WHILE READING IT!!!!!!!!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY!!!:

 After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

 I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

 At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

 This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

 Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect

[muzza01]

  Gold, pure Gold

[Frank24]

http://www.myswag.org/Smileys/classic/icon_cup.gif
Had a big belly laugh - thanks for posting. Very Funny

[Azz]

Totally lost my Sh1t reading that :lol:

[phatassphairy]

Totally lost my Sh1t reading that :lol:

so did i mate 

[Brett B]

Did the same with deep heat
Rubed it on my knee before bed
got into bed give the gonads a bit of a scratch and not long after well GREAT BALLS OF FIRE
Doesnt wash of real quick

[Swannie]

Geez I needed that chuckle
Swannie


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

[McGirr]

Goggle veet and there are a number of replies that make you laugh so much.

http://reluctantmom.wordpress.com/2012/08/30/veet-for-men-hair-removal-gel-creme-200ml-review-too-funny-not-to-share/

They are classic

Mark

[Kydar]

  Ya gotta love a good laugh.

[McGirr]

You will never look at a chicken the same way 

I decided to buy some of this for my husband who was looking untidy in the trouser dept. I left him to it while i went to the supermarket, fully expecting to arrive back home to see him laid out on the bed with 2 hardboiled, shelled eggs and a big smile. Wrong!!

Instead i arrived home to him shouting ‘ oh yeah, thats good…ooooh so good. Bursting into the lounge, i was confronted by the sight of my naked husband with his todger in the arse end of a frozen chicken, that i was intending to use for sunday lunch the following weekend! By the time i had recovered from my horror at this sight and coaxed the cowering alsation out from behind the chair, he had crawled from the sofa, which had a large burn all the way through the cushion, springs and wood flooring beneath it, towards the bathroom, still with the chicken attached to his manhood but with the rest of the bird wedged between his legs and plumes of smoke coming from his plums.

Confused, i followed him as he crawled up the stairs ( by now the chicken was defrosted and beginning to cook )He was screaming something about firemen, ambulances and divorce, but i was more concerned with wondering why the scotchguarding on the stair carpet wasn’t stopping it from melting.

Eventually, he managed to get to the bathroom, where he slid into the bath ( with the chicken still attached to his knob ) and assumed birthing position with one leg over either side before turning the cold water tap directly onto his sizzling and spitting garden. Imagine the snap, crackle and pop sound of Rice Krispies, but magnify it by several decibels. Three weeks later, he was still there!!

Once the burns healed and all the scabs fell off, I can honestly say that this stuff worked.

Plus points…

It will strip oil and grease from driveways in less than 5 seconds.

It will defrost and cook a chicken faster than your microwave will.

It’s a great contraceptive.

Minus points.

It will melt or set fire to anything coming into contact with it.

If you’re planning on having a family, forget it!

[McGirr]

I think they are making it up I thought. I am sure that it may tingle a bit and that the reaction was the equivalent of man flue.

Mistake 1

So when I got the pack home and while the girl was in the shower I stripped down and gave the meat and veg a good going over and having some left gave the exit shute a good smearing to.

I did pay attention to the instructions so i set the girl’s egg timer going

Mistakes 2 & 3 (this will come to light later)

I decided while waiting to go down stairs and watch the news. As I sat down the phone rang, it was a mate who was asking if I was going down the pub later. So there I am sitting on the sofa with a tea cloth over the lap chatting and did not see the cat come to investigate the smell. This where mistake 2 comes in, helps if you check the timer actually works.

So when the burning started I leapt up, yes another mistake, as cat was still exploring. The afore mentioned cat being startled dug its claws in. I can’t say I felt this as someone was applying a thermic lance to my nether region so was overruling all other nerve feedback. I hurtled up the stairs in style that only the flash could mimic only to discover mistake 3, she was still in the shower with the radio full blast and therefore could not hear my pitiful mewling.

Being a resourceful chap I broke the speed of light in my decent to the garage and turned on the pressure washer and applied (yep another mistake compounded because being a man I had not read it’s instructions either).

Apparently I was bouncing off walls drooling and wailing still with a cat clinging on when the door burst in as the Police entered (my friend on the phone thought I had had a home invasion and had called them). It was around this time my body said enough is enough.

When I came home from A & E I was left with the last sausage on the BBQ, two pan roasted peppers and a rear passage that had reduced to 1 mm. Though I must say I now do not have a strand of hair left in that region and the cleanest colon going. Bad news is the RSPCA took our cat away and say with time it may regrow it’s fur.

[berlitza]

OMG lmao nice read to top off a crappy day, but i don't think i will ever understand why anyone would wanna go the  ' no hair down there' route , I know what I won't be doing to find out   

[stephwoodall]

I think they are making it up I thought. I am sure that it may tingle a bit and that the reaction was the equivalent of man flue.

Mistake 1

So when I got the pack home and while the girl was in the shower I stripped down and gave the meat and veg a good going over and having some left gave the exit shute a good smearing to.

I did pay attention to the instructions so i set the girl’s egg timer going

Mistakes 2 & 3 (this will come to light later)

I decided while waiting to go down stairs and watch the news. As I sat down the phone rang, it was a mate who was asking if I was going down the pub later. So there I am sitting on the sofa with a tea cloth over the lap chatting and did not see the cat come to investigate the smell. This where mistake 2 comes in, helps if you check the timer actually works.

So when the burning started I leapt up, yes another mistake, as cat was still exploring. The afore mentioned cat being startled dug its claws in. I can’t say I felt this as someone was applying a thermic lance to my nether region so was overruling all other nerve feedback. I hurtled up the stairs in style that only the flash could mimic only to discover mistake 3, she was still in the shower with the radio full blast and therefore could not hear my pitiful mewling.

Being a resourceful chap I broke the speed of light in my decent to the garage and turned on the pressure washer and applied (yep another mistake compounded because being a man I had not read it’s instructions either).

Apparently I was bouncing off walls drooling and wailing still with a cat clinging on when the door burst in as the Police entered (my friend on the phone thought I had had a home invasion and had called them). It was around this time my body said enough is enough.

When I came home from A & E I was left with the last sausage on the BBQ, two pan roasted peppers and a rear passage that had reduced to 1 mm. Though I must say I now do not have a strand of hair left in that region and the cleanest colon going. Bad news is the RSPCA took our cat away and say with time it may regrow it’s fur.

GOLD!!!!

[Barrabart]

((((and note my visual does not include barrabart .... I promise    ))))

  It frrrrrikkkkken well better not include me !!!!!!!! Geeeez you can make a man nervous!!!

 When i told ya i love my spuds roasted, i was referring to POTATO'S that are grown in the ground, wrapped in alfoil, cooked in coals............... Oh what have i started? 

[stephwoodall]

Here is another one of the stupid things we blokes do:  Enjoy.....

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Cheers

Steph

[Azz]

So I shared this story with some of my mates on another forum, and one of them was brave enough to admit.....

I for one can vouch for every word that man wrote.

Needless to say I never saw those reviews before I gave it a try myself.

Wifey kindly pointed out the warning on the back of the can which said "DO NOT USE ON GENITALS", to which I replied "Thats just advisory. Like those yellow speed signs when you're approaching a bend. Nobody actually pays attention to those".

I literally burned skin off.   

I wasn't going to let her know anything was wrong because I knew I'd get an "I told you so". But then the next night she went the grab and I let out a almighty yelp.

My mates thought it was hilarious. That's when they googled it and all of those reviews came up. 

[ozstickman]

My eyes are watering

[sol]

My eyes are watering

     X2 

       

[Kydar]

Bugger me, Im giggling like a school girl reading this thread