Another Joke Section

[Hairs]

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[MarkGU]

sex for breakfast   

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[MarkGU]

Nurse goes down to room 21 to give the new patient a sponge bath. She comes running back to the Sister and says "the man in room 21 has wog tattooed on his penis". The Sister says don't be silly that cant be right so she went and had a look for herself. She came back after 15 minutes and said to the nurse you were wrong. The nurse said no I wasn't I saw it with my own eyes. The Sister said you were wrong it wasn't wog it was "Wollongong".


hate it when that happens   

[barnray]

Dreams are 10 for a penny. R

[cruisindub]

A word to the wise as Christmas approaches.....



As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita.
Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before:
I took a taxi home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and I can't remember where I took it from.
 

[Hairs]

Never wake a sleeping woman, because then she'll be awake.

[graylyn]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. 

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. 

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the  doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. 
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." 

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."   
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" 

No response.. 

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey,   what's for dinner?" 

Still no response. 

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" 

Again he gets no response. 

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for   dinner?"

Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey,   what's for dinner?"
     
(I just love this)   
 

 
"Ralph,   for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"   
 
 
    

[MarkGU]

 THE TOILET SEAT



Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

[Kydar]

Dial For Help

I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with ' Dial For Help'.
They wouldn't discuss it with me.
Some guy phoned and said,
" I'm Abdul Mohammed and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come".
All I said was,
" Remain calm and stay on the line"..........

[Hairs]

An update regarding Christmas in our nation's capital for 2012
I wanted to leak the story early so everyone fully understands.

There will be no Nativity Scene in Canberra this year! 
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. 
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.
How ever the search for a Virgin continues.

Although there was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
 

[qlddsl]

[MarkGU]

An old man calls up his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?
" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare."

[graylyn]

Having  already downed a few power drinks,
she turns around, faces him,
looks him  straight in the eye and says, 
 
"Listen  here good looking. I screw anybody,

 ... anytime, anywhere, ... your place, my  place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up,  sitting down,
... naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just  love it!" 
 
 
 
Eyes now  wide with interest, he responds, 


"NO Shit.  I'M IN THE LABOUR PARTY TOO.  WHICH STATE ARE YOU FROM?"

[Crisp Image]

The difference between knowledge and wisdom is knowing that tomato is a fruit and then not putting it in the fruit salad.

And

A mummy Trex picks up her baby from kinder one day and the baby is in tears.
The mother inquires what is so up setting?
The reply comes "we learnt a new song today and I can't do it like the others can"
"what is the song?" The mummy asks
Sobbing the little one says " If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!"


Have a great Christmas
Regards
Crispy

[qlddsl]

Merry Christmas all

[MarkGU]

 
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5.TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
7.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
         
         
10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

[brickiematt]

A couple of old blokes were enjoying a quiet scotch one afternoon.
Harry turns to Arthur and says "Hey Arthur, if you had to choose, what would you rather have; Parkinsons or Alzheimer's?"
Arthur replies "that's easy.....Parkinsons"
"Why do you choose that?", says Harry.
"Because" says Arthur, taking a sip of his scotch, "I'd much rather spill a couple of drops of this stuff than forget where the whole friggin bottle is!"

[gclan]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.  So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more
cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise and tell him what was
happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking, "did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland              .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife's from Scotland "
 

[Ricklanga]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Ricklanga]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000,
and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Crisp Image]

Christmas OH&S Guidelines…

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

Kind Regards
Your OHS Rep
Crispy

[Bjs58]

The Sensitive Aussie!

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. 
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door,  I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a slab of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff!

[Hairs]

Word for the day:
Disappointment (Noun)
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose.

[Patr80l]

Life is to short
to worry about my spelling.

[qlddsl]

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