Author Topic: Another Joke Section  (Read 96890 times)

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Offline markbos

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #150 on: January 30, 2013, 08:20:20 PM »
******* POLITICALLY INCORRECT WARNING.  **********
Please don't read if you offend easily



THE PARROT

I was in a pet shop last week when I noticed a Musl!m with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder…

"Where did you get that from?" I asked.

"Christmas Island, there's fxxcking thousands of them!" said the Parrot

Offline markbos

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #151 on: January 30, 2013, 08:21:45 PM »
logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
And if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."










(If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Males will get it the first time.)

Offline markbos

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #152 on: January 31, 2013, 04:21:28 PM »
Continuing with the sexist theme.  :-[

50 Shades in Reverse



He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...  
back and forth..... in and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling

down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed..... 

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,


 


"Okay, Okay!!! 




 

 

 

 

 

I can’t park the car!!!

You do it, you smug bastard!!!"

Offline Jeepers Creepers

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #153 on: January 31, 2013, 07:06:45 PM »
Mundine.
I DON'T CARE HOW NICE THE HAND SOAP SMELLS.....

You should never walk out of the public toilets sniffing your fingers.

Offline brickiematt

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #154 on: January 31, 2013, 08:11:16 PM »
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

The assignment was to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved etc etc.

 But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am.   My daddy told me a story about my Mummy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"......................



"Don't Mess with Mummy when she's been on the piss."
       
       
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Offline briann532

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #155 on: January 31, 2013, 08:30:20 PM »
Back to a swag!
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Offline sonny

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #156 on: January 31, 2013, 10:32:45 PM »
A little old lady was running up and down the halls of a nursing home.  As she ran along, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex".  She trotted up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping the hem of her gown at him, she said "Supersex".

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered - "I'll take the soup"
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Offline MarkGU

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #157 on: February 03, 2013, 10:04:14 AM »


The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch

and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,

she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began

calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had

somehow survived.

'Hello. Hello!' she shouted.

'Can anyone hear me?

Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,

'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a

faint voice from deep within the mine,


“VOTE FOR GILLARD”


Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,

'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive! '
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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #158 on: February 03, 2013, 09:53:40 PM »
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #159 on: February 03, 2013, 09:55:11 PM »

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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #160 on: February 03, 2013, 09:57:21 PM »
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,”please santa send me a brother”
Santa wrote back,
“SEND ME YOUR MOTHER”

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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #161 on: February 03, 2013, 09:58:56 PM »
A man was traveling in a train with 3 babies
A woman inquired - Do these babies belong 2 u?
Man: No, I work in a condom factory n these r customers’ complaints.

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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #162 on: February 03, 2013, 10:00:27 PM »
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word
'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says,
"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the
autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY Shit my pants..."

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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #163 on: February 03, 2013, 10:01:39 PM »
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy.

He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke,

"And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

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Offline graylyn

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #164 on: February 04, 2013, 05:27:40 AM »
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
 
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of
about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'
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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #165 on: February 04, 2013, 09:16:13 PM »

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Offline MarkGU

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #166 on: February 06, 2013, 09:02:57 PM »
The queen was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't ...do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
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Offline MarkGU

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #167 on: February 10, 2013, 08:01:33 AM »
One for Valentines Day

My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text...

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!

I texted back…………………………..




I'm taking a sh!t
What should I do?
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Offline Diesel Power

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #168 on: February 10, 2013, 10:22:13 AM »
Great joke Mark!
I will have to remember this one for next week.
Regards
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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #169 on: February 10, 2013, 08:28:45 PM »
Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cook your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex or anything that connects us as a husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your sister & I are moving away to the Fraser Coast.

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more that receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got your hair cut last week, but the first thing that come to mind was, 'you look like a girl." Since my mother raised me not to say anything if I can't say anything nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must of got me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & brought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed
Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell & Freeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2013, 08:39:30 PM by JU5T1N »

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Offline qlddsl

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #170 on: February 11, 2013, 11:42:14 AM »
 :D
if i dont need 4wd, i ain't going!!!

Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #171 on: February 11, 2013, 08:42:33 PM »
 ;D

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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #172 on: February 11, 2013, 09:06:35 PM »
 ;D

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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #173 on: February 11, 2013, 09:08:15 PM »
 ;D

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Offline JU5T1N

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Re: Another Joke Section
« Reply #174 on: February 11, 2013, 09:09:23 PM »
 ;D

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