Post by: Ricklanga on August 29, 2012, 07:29:28 PM
not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the
man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got
bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and
almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”;
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to
have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American
docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need
amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on September 01, 2012, 05:28:24 AM
So i stormed up to my wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law, got it!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want."
"Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and do my hair?
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied,
"The f#ckin' funeral director would be my first guess."
Post by: Bill on September 01, 2012, 06:14:40 AM
Bill
Post by: oldmate on September 01, 2012, 06:48:57 AM
Post by: Tom on September 01, 2012, 07:39:10 AM
Post by: Foo on September 01, 2012, 12:49:28 PM
Foo
Post by: savio on September 01, 2012, 01:20:08 PM
Post by: Swannie on September 01, 2012, 01:45:16 PM
Post by: jwb on September 01, 2012, 01:53:45 PM
He told me a story when early in his marriage he came home from a pub session with a mate ( both sloshed) and
proceeded to throw his now cold dinner in the bin and demanded some hot food!
He awoke in hospital some time later, His bride clocked him with a rolling pin! >:( Holy crap )
He never made that mistake again! ;D
cheers
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on September 02, 2012, 06:17:03 AM
Here they all are, standing around in 23 to 24 degrees and in walks ol Charlie, dressed to the eyeballs in a full royal ceremony outfit, but wearing a hat made out of fox skin.
The local media were all over it like a 10 year old on a snickers bar.
Mayor Paul Pasali was a bit spun out by the hat and everyone was talking in hushed whispers.
During the formal dinner, Mayor Pasali said to Charles.....
"I have to know, why are you wearing a fox hat?"
Charles replied, "Well you see, its Mummies idea"
Mayor Pasali, looking very bewildered, says.... "But why would she say that, its far too hot for a fox hat and with the animal liberation folks, gee, it was a bold suggestion on her part."
Charles nodded and said, "i thought so too, but you know Mummy. I spoke to her on the phone last night to tell her about the previous day and she seemed so very excited.
Then she asked, "Oh Charles, where are you going tomorrow?"
I replied, "Oh mummy, I'm going to a place called Ipswich"
She replied in best royal voice, "Oh, wear the fox hat"
Post by: Barrabart on September 02, 2012, 07:34:35 AM
Post by: gibbo301 on September 02, 2012, 09:46:20 AM
Post by: kylarama on September 02, 2012, 10:42:34 AM
Whale Oil Beef Hooked...
Post by: Ynot on September 02, 2012, 05:00:11 PM
Post by: Tom on September 02, 2012, 05:39:26 PM
Cheers.
Titch
Post by: JU5T1N on September 02, 2012, 07:07:53 PM
Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.
“Send me lawn away to be mowed."
Post by: bunyip on September 02, 2012, 10:31:51 PM
Post by: Ynot on September 03, 2012, 01:55:14 PM
Keep them coming.
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on September 04, 2012, 05:55:38 AM
A. He had to, that's where the separate thread for the jokes was. :D
Post by: hodgefamily on September 04, 2012, 12:16:49 PM
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. He had to, that's where the separate thread for the jokes was. :D
Very funny! I like that one. :D
Post by: Kit_e_kat9 on September 04, 2012, 04:57:02 PM
So now there are two jokes contained within, it isn't really seperate is it?
Kit_e
(the 3rd joke on this page)
Post by: graylyn on September 05, 2012, 10:33:07 AM
BLONDE
Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo?
Post by: britts on September 07, 2012, 03:25:44 PM
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either!
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However there are few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are fairly safe topics of conversation, (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best (insert your own regional swear word here) country in the world!” It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Typical Australian sayings:-
G'Day! She'll be right mate. No Worries.
Tips to Surviving Australia:
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
How to identify Australians
They waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it’s a must have.
They don’t think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
Will react in horror when companies try to market "Anzac cookies".
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
Post by: Kit_e_kat9 on September 07, 2012, 03:55:27 PM
Thanks Britts. I did often wonder about a few of those things myself. Issue solvered!
Kit_e
Post by: fuji on September 07, 2012, 07:40:58 PM
He is making land mines that look like prayer mats
Business is really good
His prophets are going through the roof.
Post by: aquadux on September 13, 2012, 11:48:55 AM
Instead of giving billions of dollars for projects that nobody needs or wants eg. insulation bats, solar panels, school funds to have 3 assembly halls at ten times the price for 30 students why not use the following:
There are about 5 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay the $2 million each severance foe early retirement with the following stipulations.
1:- They mus retire.
5 million job openings - unemployment fixed
2:- They must buy a new Australian car.
5 million cars ordered - car industry fixed
3:- They must either buy a house or pay off their mortgage.
Housing crisis fixed.
4:- They must sent their kids to school/college/university.
Crime rate fixed
5:- They must buy $100.00 worth of alcohol a week.
There's your money back in Duty/tax etc.
It can't be easier than that.
Post by: bunyip on September 13, 2012, 11:59:54 AM
Post by: Alan Loy on September 13, 2012, 03:28:27 PM
Post by: davethepom on September 21, 2012, 10:58:38 AM
Two blokes are at the bar, having a few drinks.
After several beers one says to the other; "I've had sex with your Mother!" When he gets no response he turns toward the other guy and says, much louder; " I'VE HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The second guy has a mouthfull of beer, turns and responds; "Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink!"
A man goes to the Doctor and says to him; "Doctor, I've got a Strawberry stuck up my bottom!"
The Doctor replies; "Don't worry, I've got some cream for that."
Post by: Ricklanga on September 21, 2012, 06:22:33 PM
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_02_zpsf8f271c4.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_03_zpsadbfdc38.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_04_zps7bd25e7c.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_05_zpsa9127a85.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_06_zpsb4f77f17.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_07_zpsc96063ed.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_08_zpsfa3dea7d.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_09_zps01022800.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_10_zps38431c86.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_11_zps19d595a5.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_12_zpsc4379074.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_13_zps65136538.jpg)
(http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t372/Ricklanga/Funny%20Photos/funny_14_zpsca4c30c5.jpg)
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on September 30, 2012, 05:30:32 PM
As he was finsihing up, the doc says,
"you're in pretty shape, is there anything worrying you?"
I said, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
My farts never smell and are always silent, even the most wettest, biggest farts ever known to mankind.
As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 15 or 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says,
"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week, i went back.
"Doctor," I said, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says,
"Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Post by: BigJules on October 03, 2012, 08:48:49 AM
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Beehive matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... Chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...
Post by: Ricklanga on October 03, 2012, 05:50:24 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath..
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He breathlessly struggles to ask again, 'Can you check Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was Just wonderful, but listen very, very carefully.....
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
Post by: austastar on October 03, 2012, 06:03:10 PM
True story, (talking about black testicles.)
A long time ago in another world called employment, I had a request to photograph a chap who had a swollen black scrotum after a hernia operation.
We are talking egg plant similarities here.
The poor old fellow was a bit embarrassed, and to put him at ease, I told him about the South African Army Sergant. All of his privates were black.
cheers
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on October 03, 2012, 06:34:07 PM
was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist.
"Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”
“How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually
blurted out" London ."
“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and
immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the
couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"… d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
Post by: Hairs on October 03, 2012, 07:14:39 PM
I stumbled across this the other day and kept it just for you. :angel:
:cheers:
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on October 04, 2012, 04:42:39 AM
Anyway, not far from us, they've reopened a factory making those "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls again. Remember them, from the 80's.
Anyway, the wife fronted up on her first day, was given her instructions and away she went.
As the dolls came to the end of the assembly line, my wife did what she was told and then straight into their presentation box and off to the shops.
As her first day was coming to an end, the general manager came running up to her yelling,
"You stupid woman, what the f*#^in hell are you doing, you'll ruin me, you stupid bitch"
The wife just stood there, not knowing what to say when the manager blurted out.....
"I SAID GIVE THEM ALL TWO TEST TICKLES"
Post by: davethepom on October 05, 2012, 09:12:59 AM
I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch!"
Post by: Nutto on October 05, 2012, 05:08:01 PM
warning: - has some strong words, so be careful with sound
http://www.fugly.com/videos/12032/australian_truck_driver_engine_brake_call.html (http://www.fugly.com/videos/12032/australian_truck_driver_engine_brake_call.html)
;D ;D
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on October 06, 2012, 08:52:18 AM
A woman may go to this store and purchase a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
RULES FOR PURCHASING A HUSBAND:
...
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1- These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Post by: markbos on October 06, 2012, 07:57:57 PM
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
*Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.* *A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:*
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button... Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
*The directions said that:* a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
*Note:* If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
- My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. - The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. - My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. - My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. - I had no control over the drooling. - Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. - I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
*PS:* My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Post by: chillipepperz on October 06, 2012, 08:54:13 PM
Post by: Hairs on October 12, 2012, 06:03:34 AM
:cheers:
Post by: Hairs on October 22, 2012, 11:29:15 AM
Post by: Nitro Steve on October 25, 2012, 09:04:15 PM
When she starts her sentence with "a man once told me" ;D
Post by: fuji on October 30, 2012, 08:55:58 PM
In General:
Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
Take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
Eating Out:
When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
Personal Hygiene:
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN ute keys.
Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the
taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after
the movie ends.
Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings:
Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Post by: Hairs on November 01, 2012, 07:01:57 AM
Post by: Hairs on November 01, 2012, 11:49:10 AM
Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: 'Good till the last drop'.
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways'.
MUM FAINTED!!!!!
Post by: MarkGU on November 07, 2012, 07:50:32 PM
then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...
In and out...in and out.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first,
Then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f..king car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
Post by: markbos on November 09, 2012, 07:14:20 AM
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' ''Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
I think this could be one post that
:worthles:
Does not apply ;D
Post by: wacanary on November 09, 2012, 10:12:26 AM
Prince Charles, yes him, was in Ipswich (west of Brisbane) yesterday for an official opening of some building.
Here they all are, standing around in 23 to 24 degrees and in walks ol Charlie, dressed to the eyeballs in a full royal ceremony outfit, but wearing a hat made out of fox skin.
The local media were all over it like a 10 year old on a snickers bar.
Mayor Paul Pasali was a bit spun out by the hat and everyone was talking in hushed whispers.
During the formal dinner, Mayor Pasali said to Charles.....
"I have to know, why are you wearing a fox hat?"
Charles replied, "Well you see, its Mummies idea"
Mayor Pasali, looking very bewildered, says.... "But why would she say that, its far too hot for a fox hat and with the animal liberation folks, gee, it was a bold suggestion on her part."
Charles nodded and said, "i thought so too, but you know Mummy. I spoke to her on the phone last night to tell her about the previous day and she seemed so very excited.
Then she asked, "Oh Charles, where are you going tomorrow?"
I replied, "Oh mummy, I'm going to a place called Ipswich"
She replied in best royal voice, "Oh, wear the fox hat"
Just like to point out that to poms who originally hail from Norwich, this works just as well for us. For "(West of Brisbane)" substitute "(small town in Suffolk)".
OTBC (If you're from Nodge, you'll know what I mean)
Post by: graylyn on November 09, 2012, 10:56:01 AM
Walking through the Mall, the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her mobile to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.
The husband, in a calm voice, said, "Honey, do you remember the jewellery store we went into 10 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
His wife said, crying, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."
He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it."
Post by: MADCOW on November 09, 2012, 07:35:26 PM
moleasses!
Post by: Swannie on November 10, 2012, 06:32:11 AM
HUMPREY :) :)
Post by: Black Diamond on November 10, 2012, 07:15:36 AM
What do you call a camel with 3 humps......You idiot ;D
HUMPREY :) :)
Thats almost as bad as "What do you call a Sheila who burns up her bills.............. Burnadette :cheers:
Post by: bullfrog on November 10, 2012, 07:24:10 AM
Post by: xcvator on November 10, 2012, 08:19:08 AM
He had a baby Austen
There was room for his ass,
A gallon of gas
But the rest hung out and he lostem
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on November 10, 2012, 09:14:08 AM
A university graduate and and an old aboriginal elder.
For the final, both competitors would be given the same word and have 60 seconds to write a poem about it.
The compare announced, the word is Timbuktu and a hush fell across the audience. Both men quickly wrote their best effort and 60 seconds later, it was "pens down"
First up was the university graduate, his effort at the end of 60 seconds was.....
"Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely, caravan.
men on camels, two by two,
destination---- Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild, cheering and clapping.
No way, anyone was going to top that they thought.
The aboriginal elder picked up his piece of paper and preceded to recite his effort.
"Me and Tim, a hunting went,
we met three whores in a pop up tent.
They were three and we was two,
So i bucked one and Tim bucked two.
The aboriginal won..... :D
Post by: MarkGU on November 10, 2012, 11:01:18 AM
The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on November 12, 2012, 03:43:16 PM
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank,he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her
feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f#*king widow!!!
Post by: Fun Police on November 12, 2012, 06:51:21 PM
Post by: macca on November 12, 2012, 09:13:40 PM
I don't get it... :(
Sadly I do
Post by: Pipeliner on November 13, 2012, 08:18:36 AM
What do you call a camel with 3 humps......
HUMPREY :) :)
I didn't get it until I realised that HUMPHREY had been spelled incorrectly!
Post by: deepop on November 14, 2012, 12:34:49 PM
Sadly I doI'm sad too Macca!
Post by: evanw on November 15, 2012, 11:15:14 AM
Post by: evanw on November 15, 2012, 11:18:02 AM
Post by: austastar on November 15, 2012, 12:12:52 PM
(http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/lanube/25130513/53599/53599_600.gif)
cheers
Post by: briann532 on November 15, 2012, 03:19:52 PM
Now Thats FUNNY..................
Post by: MarkGU on November 22, 2012, 06:50:41 AM
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it, she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said "I looked up 'beautiful climbing rose' in the encyclopaedia last night, and it said 'Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence - no good in an open bed!"
Post by: MarkGU on November 22, 2012, 07:02:46 AM
trip to Brisbane.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and
the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up,
having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate..
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the
Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles..
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
Post by: Smoko on November 22, 2012, 07:11:13 AM
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
Post by: Hairs on November 22, 2012, 06:06:18 PM
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! .............She'd better not Shit in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
Post by: bullfrog on November 22, 2012, 06:13:38 PM
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on November 22, 2012, 06:44:24 PM
Picked him up in a night club.
He looked like a woman.
Smelled like a woman.
Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Hang on. wait a minute…”...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward.... eh?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive pr!ck.”
Post by: MarkGU on November 22, 2012, 08:39:38 PM
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
What were you thinking ……..
Post by: Hairs on December 01, 2012, 01:19:24 PM
Post by: MarkGU on December 03, 2012, 06:24:26 PM
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Post by: MarkGU on December 03, 2012, 06:34:58 PM
hate it when that happens >:D
Post by: barnray on December 03, 2012, 06:45:32 PM
Post by: cruisindub on December 03, 2012, 11:35:34 PM
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita.
Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before:
I took a taxi home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and I can't remember where I took it from.
Post by: Hairs on December 09, 2012, 02:34:05 PM
(http://www.hairfysh.com/images/Icons/Smileys/smiley-scared.gif)
Post by: graylyn on December 10, 2012, 05:49:24 AM
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response..
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
(I just love this)
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Post by: MarkGU on December 13, 2012, 09:04:50 AM
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to
doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Post by: Kydar on December 13, 2012, 07:49:37 PM
I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with ' Dial For Help'.
They wouldn't discuss it with me.
Some guy phoned and said,
" I'm Abdul Mohammed and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come".
All I said was,
" Remain calm and stay on the line"..........
Post by: Hairs on December 14, 2012, 01:31:12 PM
I wanted to leak the story early so everyone fully understands.
There will be no Nativity Scene in Canberra this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.
How ever the search for a Virgin continues.
Although there was no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.
:cheers:
Post by: qlddsl on December 15, 2012, 06:10:42 PM
Post by: MarkGU on December 16, 2012, 08:35:42 PM
"Dad, what are you talking about?
" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare."
Post by: graylyn on December 17, 2012, 03:59:54 AM
Having already downed a few power drinks,
she turns around, faces him,
looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here good looking. I screw anybody,
... anytime, anywhere, ... your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down,
... naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds,
"NO Shit. I'M IN THE LABOUR PARTY TOO. WHICH STATE ARE YOU FROM?"
Post by: Crisp Image on December 17, 2012, 07:32:53 AM
And
A mummy Trex picks up her baby from kinder one day and the baby is in tears.
The mother inquires what is so up setting?
The reply comes "we learnt a new song today and I can't do it like the others can"
"what is the song?" The mummy asks
Sobbing the little one says " If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!"
Have a great Christmas
Regards
Crispy
Post by: qlddsl on December 18, 2012, 03:52:44 PM
Post by: MarkGU on December 18, 2012, 06:38:35 PM
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5.TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
7.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
9.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
Post by: brickiematt on December 18, 2012, 07:17:15 PM
Harry turns to Arthur and says "Hey Arthur, if you had to choose, what would you rather have; Parkinsons or Alzheimer's?"
Arthur replies "that's easy.....Parkinsons"
"Why do you choose that?", says Harry.
"Because" says Arthur, taking a sip of his scotch, "I'd much rather spill a couple of drops of this stuff than forget where the whole friggin bottle is!"
Post by: gclan on December 19, 2012, 08:15:34 AM
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more
cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise and tell him what was
happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking, "did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife's from Scotland "
Post by: Ricklanga on December 19, 2012, 08:03:02 PM
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Post by: Ricklanga on December 19, 2012, 08:05:24 PM
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000,
and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Post by: Crisp Image on December 20, 2012, 02:03:41 PM
All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Kind Regards
Your OHS Rep
Crispy
Post by: Bjs58 on December 20, 2012, 08:37:58 PM
Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a slab of beer you are.'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff!
Post by: Hairs on December 22, 2012, 02:09:50 PM
Disappointment (Noun)
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose.
(http://www.hairfysh.com/images/Icons/Smileys/smiley-thinking.gif)
Post by: Patr80l on December 22, 2012, 02:20:23 PM
to worry about my spelling.
Post by: qlddsl on December 22, 2012, 10:29:36 PM
Post by: Hairs on December 30, 2012, 09:22:31 AM
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Post by: JU5T1N on December 30, 2012, 10:24:08 AM
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...CONFUCIUS SAY. . ...Man who puts cream in tart is not always pastry chef ;D
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Post by: xcvator on December 30, 2012, 10:27:19 AM
Man who have sex in cemetary f***ing near dead
Post by: brickiematt on January 04, 2013, 10:34:39 PM
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 150 kgs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 150 kgs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 75 kgs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 20 kgs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 05, 2013, 04:49:17 AM
Post by: jclures on January 09, 2013, 10:39:45 AM
Some sage advice !!
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand pounds
in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!
Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old fart is reading emails.
Post by: Pipeliner on January 09, 2013, 11:28:31 AM
Accident report to OH&S:
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 150 kgs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 150 kgs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 75 kgs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 20 kgs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
Or, as Gerard Hoffnung told it at the Oxford Union in 1958:
THE BRICKLAYER'S STORY
by
Gerard Hoffnung
I've got this thing here that I must read to you.
Now, this is a very tragic thing... I shouldn't, really, read it out.
A striking lesson in keeping the upper lip stiff is given in a recent number of the weekly bulletin of 'The Federation of Civil Engineering Contractors' that prints the following letter from a bricklayer in Golders Green to the firm for whom he works.
Respected sir,
when I got to the top of the building, I found that the hurricane had knocked down some bricks off the top. So I rigged up a beam, with a pulley, at the top of the building and hoisted up a couple of barrels of bricks.
When I had fixed the building, there was a lot of bricks left over.
I hoisted the barrel back up again and secured the line at the bottom and then went up and filled the barrel with the extra bricks.
Then, I went to the bottom and cast off the rope.
Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening, the barrel started down, jerking me off the ground.
I decided to hang on!
Halfway up, I met the barrel coming down... and received a severe blow on the shoulder.
I then continued to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley!
When the barrel hit the ground, it burst it's bottom... allowing all the bricks to spill out.
I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed!
Halfway down... I met the barrel coming up and received severe injury to my shins!
When I hit the ground... I landed on the bricks, getting several painful cuts from the sharp edges!
At this point... I must have lost my presence of mind... because I let go of the line!
The barrel then came down... giving me a very heavy blow and putting me in hospital!
I respectfully request 'sick leave'.
A good story never ages! But the brilliance of Hoffnung's presentation was in the timing (and the audience reaction) - listen to The Bricklayer's Lament - by Gerard Hoffnung (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZUJLO6lMhI#)
Post by: BigJules on January 09, 2013, 12:21:56 PM
The BBC made Jimmy Savile wear all that jewellery so kids could hear him coming, the same way you'd put a bell on a cat.
Police have spoken to Freddie Starr's 34 year old fiancee and she said she has never had reason to think he was a paedophile in all their 25 years together !!!!
Got my Halloween costume sorted.
I'm gonna wear a blonde wig, tracksuit, gold chains & a cigar; that should scare the little buggers.
After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?"
"I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody."
Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it.
If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away."
"Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
[My favourite] 7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ....... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots..................................
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.
Two Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both are in hospital...
one's in a korma.............the other's got a dodgy tikka!
The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like another Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
copper, lead and anything else they could get their hands on.
Sailing results are in. GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
Post by: BigJules on January 09, 2013, 12:24:23 PM
Tony Davis - SMH drive.com.au
'Aerodynamics,'' scoffed Enzo Ferrari, ''are for people who can't build engines.''
''I am prepared to sell you one of my Aston Martins at cost,'' company owner David Brown told a regular customer who was trying to screw down a special deal, ''but are you really happy to pay so much more than the normal price?''
Ettore Bugatti had a nice line of chat, too. He said Bentley made the world's fastest trucks and, when defending the woeful brakes of his own machines, retorted: ''My cars are designed to go, not to stop.'
Advertisement
These lines have been reproduced many times, with wildly varying wording, and are sometimes attributed to car barons other than the ones above.
Likewise, ''You can't make a silk purse out of a pig's ear but you can make a mighty fast pig.'' Carroll Shelby is the popular choice for that one but who knows, it might have been John DeLorean. Or even Oscar Wilde.
Sir Alec Issigonis is cited by some as originating not only the Mini Minor but the catchcry, ''A camel is a horse designed by a committee.''
Henry Ford is credited with the most maxims, including one about colours, or lack thereof. The origin of this can be pinned down to a definite date and wording. Sort of.
Ford's autobiography, My Life and Work, states: ''In 1909, I announced one morning, without any previous warning, that in the future we were going to build only one model, that the model was going to be 'Model T' and that the chassis would be exactly the same for all cars and I remarked: any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.''
However, Ford's book wasn't published until 1922 and ''in collaboration with Samuel Crowther''. Which is a polite way of saying it was ghost-written.
Ford might have never said those actual words; Crowther might have provided them, or perhaps embellished something of Ford's that was similar-ish but less punchy; Ford might have instead invented the quote in 1922, crediting it to his younger self. Or it might have been nicked from Oscar Wilde, too.
Henry's name is also attached to numerous variations of ''Every time I see an Alfa Romeo go by, I tip my hat''. It might have been not a compliment but an acerbic quip; possibly Ford didn't expect an Alfa to make it that far.
Equally, the phrase might have been invented by Alfaholics, because it seems to have first appeared in an Italian book in 1990.
By then, Henry, like most postwar Alfas, was no longer a going concern.
''What's good for General Motors is good for America,'' can be traced to an official record, if not quite in those words.
In 1953, General Motors boss Charles E. Wilson was offered the position of secretary of defence. When asked if this represented a conflict of interest, he told a congressional committee: ''What is good for the country is good for General Motors and vice versa.''
An Ernest Hemingway aphorism is cited endlessly by revheads, hill climbers and animal taunters: ''There are only three real sports: auto racing, mountaineering and bullfighting. The rest are games.''
Alas, Hemingway scholars have found no evidence that ''Papa'' ever said such a thing. The line was more likely from Barnaby Conrad or Ken Purdy but they are less famous, and memorable quotes invariably migrate up the celebrity food chain.
A saying attributed to various car collectors (Pink Floyd's Nick Mason et al) is: ''If I could get back all the money I've ever spent on cars, I'd spend it on cars.'' It's reminiscent of the best-known saying of George Best.
The Northern Irish football star - a lively, rarely sober and perhaps not always original after-dinner speaker - slurred out a hundred variations of the delightful: ''I spent 90 per cent of my money on women, drink and fast cars … the rest I wasted.''
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 09, 2013, 07:32:09 PM
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. ! After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, Who was that?"
It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, why don't you f-uck off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you reuse a condom?
A. Turn it inside out and shake the f*ck out of it!
Post by: Patr80l on January 09, 2013, 08:03:45 PM
Oh, you've never unrolled one all the way?
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 10, 2013, 05:20:13 AM
I said, before i leave, i look to see which way the wife is facing.....
If she's sleeping on her left side, i throw the line over the left hand side of the boat.
If she's sleeping on her right side, i throw the line over the right hand side of the boat.
My mate scratched his chin and pondered that and then said, what if she's sleeping on her back?
WE DON'T GO FISHIN.... >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 12, 2013, 05:22:05 AM
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
She replies, “Yes, getting herpies – thats why I am here!”
Post by: Hairs on January 12, 2013, 06:57:16 PM
Bartender asks....
"What'll it be, Ms. Gillard?"
;D
Post by: Bjs58 on January 12, 2013, 09:55:20 PM
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World.
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 13, 2013, 04:42:36 PM
Post by: bullfrog on January 13, 2013, 04:50:08 PM
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 13, 2013, 05:21:22 PM
My wife manages to get on every f*cking one of them!
Post by: Hairs on January 13, 2013, 05:24:13 PM
Post by: JU5T1N on January 13, 2013, 05:44:46 PM
I reckon a lot of us can relate to this.I had the draw string on my shorts do this the other day....not good when the panic sets in to the point you get the sweats, your nowhere near home, their too tight to pull down and its not for a pee....
Post by: Hairs on January 13, 2013, 05:47:37 PM
I had the draw string on my shorts do this the other day....not good when the panic sets in to the point you get the sweats, your nowhere near home, their too tight to pull down and its not for a pee....
(http://www.hairfysh.com/images/Icons/Smileys/smiley-laughing011.gif)
Post by: portal pat on January 14, 2013, 10:47:53 AM
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Maroochydore. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timer's Bar - all drinks 10 cents!
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced Martinis... shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please..' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two Martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their Martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired Victorian farts from the caravan park waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
Post by: MarkGU on January 14, 2013, 12:39:26 PM
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my
own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'
The priest fainted!..
Post by: MarkGU on January 14, 2013, 12:53:06 PM
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give
it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later,
the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Post by: graylyn on January 16, 2013, 10:32:25 AM
Tim Matheson, the First Bloke, and Tony Abbott somehow ended up at the same barber shop at the same time.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Tim was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Abbott and said... "Aftershave, Mr. Abbott?"
Abbott replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
Post by: Hairs on January 16, 2013, 10:46:07 AM
:cup:
:cheers:
Post by: MarkGU on January 17, 2013, 11:34:37 AM
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 18, 2013, 07:23:13 PM
"Wow...that looks deep.
""Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.
"They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise."Jeeez.
That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.
"They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says,
"Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad sleeper. Help me carry it over here.
When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."The two men drag the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heave it in.
Not a sound comes from the hole.Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind.
It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad sleeper.
Post by: brickiematt on January 19, 2013, 05:38:55 AM
:cheers:
Post by: BigJules on January 22, 2013, 10:00:15 AM
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Post by: Mace on January 23, 2013, 08:48:48 AM
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg…
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were
several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out
and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only
with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham
looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was,
soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth....
Post by: xcvator on January 23, 2013, 09:40:52 AM
How it all beganWaaaaaaaay toooooooooo much time on your hands ;D ;D
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg…
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods
when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were
several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out
and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only
with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham
looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was,
soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began.
And that's the truth....
Post by: Mace on January 23, 2013, 11:04:31 AM
Waaaaaaaay toooooooooo much time on your hands ;D ;D
Wat about this one then!
Pensioner's reply re Coles
Yesterday I was at my local Coles
store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Chum Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Coles. Better watch what you
ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of
daft things to say.
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 23, 2013, 06:34:34 PM
After he finishes, his dad goes to check on Johnny.
He goes into his bedroom and sees Grandma bent over the dresser with Johnny hanging out the back of her.
Dad yells at Johnny, “What the f*** are you doing son?”
Johnny replies back, “Not so f***ing funny when its your mum is it?”
If Claudia Schiffer marries Brains from the thuderbirds,does she become Claudia Schiffer Brains?
My neighbour found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms..
"The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Then you should stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 24, 2013, 06:25:31 AM
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis, which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly" answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Queensland Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Post by: MarkGU on January 24, 2013, 09:43:23 AM
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed h...im a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Post by: MarkGU on January 24, 2013, 09:45:24 AM
A husband and wife were having sex with the wife on top and then their 5 year old son walks in and catches them and asked what they were doing the mum replied " oh daddys gotta big stomach so mummy is just trying push it down.." then the son replies " oh ok but ur wasting your time because when u go to work the lady from next door comes over on her knees blowing daddys tummy back up.."
Post by: MADCOW on January 24, 2013, 10:09:49 AM
Body Massage.
The Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her
body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made
her scream, nonstop for five minutes."
The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body
with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie fellow said: "That's nothing!!! Last night I massaged my
wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body
with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long
hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours? Voila ! Sacre Bleu !! Phenomenal!!!
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Post by: wiggo on January 25, 2013, 10:06:53 AM
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse,
and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Post by: wiggo on January 25, 2013, 10:09:43 AM
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And only then will you be ready
to take on China!
Believe me... you WILL understand!!!
Here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...
Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: " .....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I did say "By the time you read through this ......
..... YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......
And you do, don't you!
Post by: Bird on January 25, 2013, 12:06:32 PM
At first I was alarmed at reading this
Then I realised they meant United States.
Post by: brickiematt on January 25, 2013, 03:15:09 PM
By the time you read through this you will understand.
"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And only then will you be ready
to take on China!
Believe me... you WILL understand!!!
Here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China...
Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: "Rye, Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?"
Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: " .....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome"
Remember I did say "By the time you read through this ......
..... YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......
And you do, don't you!
:cup: ROR (Rarf Ow Rowd)
Post by: wiggo on January 26, 2013, 10:33:52 AM
2. Law of Gravity : Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability : The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers : If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law : If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6 Law of the Bath : When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
7. Law of Close Encounters : The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.
8. Law of the Result : When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL !
9. Law of Biomechanics : The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena : At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet, and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surely folk.
11. The Coffee Law : As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers : If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces : The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14 Law of Logical Argument : Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance : If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16 Oliver's Law of Public Speaking : A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET !
17. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it !
18. Doctors' Law : If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't seek an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
;D
Post by: noel_w on January 26, 2013, 11:33:05 AM
“What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender. It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”
“It’s my four year old son…” Dave replied,
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it;it happens to boys that age” said the bartender, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that” continued Dave “but it’s far worse than that. The little b@$tard has gotten our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender!
“It’s not” said Dave. "The little b@$tard stuck a pin in all my condoms."
Post by: kylarama on January 26, 2013, 11:39:02 AM
Workshop tool descriptions
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering your car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering the fender upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-**** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under race cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as a 25mm chain gun.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Detriot and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Post by: Patr80l on January 28, 2013, 09:15:19 AM
Post by: briann532 on January 29, 2013, 03:22:07 PM
IS SEX ACTUALLY “WORK”?
A RAAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
Whilst waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure".
A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.
A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Group Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
May God Bless the lower ranks.
Post by: graylyn on January 29, 2013, 07:34:19 PM
Post by: Patr80l on January 30, 2013, 06:02:17 PM
"I've never come this way before." said one.
"That'd be the cobblestones." said the other.
Post by: bullfrog on January 30, 2013, 06:12:33 PM
Post by: markbos on January 30, 2013, 08:20:20 PM
Please don't read if you offend easily
THE PARROT
I was in a pet shop last week when I noticed a Musl!m with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on his shoulder…
"Where did you get that from?" I asked.
"Christmas Island, there's fxxcking thousands of them!" said the Parrot
Post by: markbos on January 30, 2013, 08:21:45 PM
A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk,
And if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
(If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Males will get it the first time.)
Post by: markbos on January 31, 2013, 04:21:28 PM
50 Shades in Reverse
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay!!!
I can’t park the car!!!
You do it, you smug bastard!!!"
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on January 31, 2013, 07:06:45 PM
Post by: brickiematt on January 31, 2013, 08:11:16 PM
The assignment was to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved etc etc.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy.
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"......................
"Don't Mess with Mummy when she's been on the piss."
Post by: briann532 on January 31, 2013, 08:30:20 PM
Mundine.
Oh yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by: sonny on January 31, 2013, 10:32:45 PM
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered - "I'll take the soup"
Post by: MarkGU on February 03, 2013, 10:04:14 AM
The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch
and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch,
she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began
calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had
somehow survived.
'Hello. Hello!' she shouted.
'Can anyone hear me?
Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a
faint voice from deep within the mine,
“VOTE FOR GILLARD”
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,
'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive! '
Post by: JU5T1N on February 03, 2013, 09:53:40 PM
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
Post by: JU5T1N on February 03, 2013, 09:55:11 PM
Post by: JU5T1N on February 03, 2013, 09:57:21 PM
Santa wrote back,
“SEND ME YOUR MOTHER”
Post by: JU5T1N on February 03, 2013, 09:58:56 PM
A woman inquired - Do these babies belong 2 u?
Man: No, I work in a condom factory n these r customers’ complaints.
Post by: JU5T1N on February 03, 2013, 10:00:27 PM
'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says,
"Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the
autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY Shit my pants..."
Post by: JU5T1N on February 03, 2013, 10:01:39 PM
He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke,
"And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."
Post by: graylyn on February 04, 2013, 05:27:40 AM
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of
about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Post by: JU5T1N on February 04, 2013, 09:16:13 PM
Post by: MarkGU on February 06, 2013, 09:02:57 PM
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't ...do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Post by: MarkGU on February 10, 2013, 08:01:33 AM
My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text...
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!
I texted back…………………………..
I'm taking a sh!t
What should I do?
Post by: Diesel Power on February 10, 2013, 10:22:13 AM
I will have to remember this one for next week.
Regards
Post by: JU5T1N on February 10, 2013, 08:28:45 PM
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cook your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex or anything that connects us as a husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your Ex-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your sister & I are moving away to the Fraser Coast.
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more that receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got your hair cut last week, but the first thing that come to mind was, 'you look like a girl." Since my mother raised me not to say anything if I can't say anything nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must of got me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & brought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed
Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell & Freeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Post by: qlddsl on February 11, 2013, 11:42:14 AM
Post by: JU5T1N on February 11, 2013, 08:42:33 PM
Post by: JU5T1N on February 11, 2013, 09:06:35 PM
Post by: JU5T1N on February 11, 2013, 09:08:15 PM
Post by: JU5T1N on February 11, 2013, 09:09:23 PM
Post by: JU5T1N on February 11, 2013, 09:10:24 PM
Post by: JU5T1N on February 11, 2013, 09:11:26 PM
Post by: JU5T1N on February 16, 2013, 12:04:27 AM
Post by: MarkGU on February 16, 2013, 08:37:20 AM
Suzy raised her hand and said, ‘I think it’s your hands.’
‘Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’ asked the Nun.
Suzy replied, ‘Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.’
‘What a wonderful answer!’ the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, ‘Sister, I think it’s your feet.’
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. ‘Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?’
Little Johnny said, ‘Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night and Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.’
The Nun fainted.
Post by: MarkGU on February 16, 2013, 08:38:33 AM
The girl answered with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the people in the library started staring at the guy and he was highly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the chap's table and she told him,
I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I expect you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy responded with a loud voice, "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT! THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!!!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and he
Whispered in her ear,
I study law, and I know how to make someone look guilty."
Post by: MarkGU on February 16, 2013, 08:40:00 AM
Post by: graylyn on February 17, 2013, 11:50:58 AM
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, “’Cause his Mum's here with his lunch."
Post by: brickiematt on February 17, 2013, 02:38:47 PM
"Ok girls and boys", she said, "I'm going to give you a word and I want you to go home and research that word, and then I want you to put it in a sentence to read out to the class tomorrow.
The word I am giving you is 'contagious'".
The next morning, the teacher asked the children to stand up and read out the sentence they wrote using the word 'contagious'.
One by one they all got up and read what they had written.
Then it came time for little Johnny's turn.
Up steps Johnny, takes out his paper, and in a loud voice says: "Mr Beasley next door, he started to paint the outside of his house on the weekend. He is only using a 2 inch paintbrush, to paint the whole house.
My dad reckons it will take the contagious"!!
Post by: wiggo on February 17, 2013, 05:31:34 PM
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
Post by: graylyn on February 17, 2013, 05:54:12 PM
Post by: noel_w on February 18, 2013, 08:35:10 AM
'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
Post by: noel_w on February 19, 2013, 07:19:04 AM
"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yea or neigh?
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a £5
each way!
Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night.... I still have a bit
between my teeth.
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from
Tesco - Her condition is said to be stable.
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse
barcodes for serving suggestions.
Said to the missus these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots.
To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal
ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
d'oeuvres.
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit.
Talk about flogging a dead.. agggghhh NO! NO NO NO!
Post by: graylyn on February 20, 2013, 06:41:58 PM
Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.
"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private
regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane "
" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
"No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is." She answered
Post by: MarkGU on February 20, 2013, 06:53:25 PM
His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the f *ck did you invite him round for?"
"’Cos he's thinking of getting married.."
Post by: MarkGU on February 21, 2013, 07:38:43 PM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? :'(
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question. :angel:
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. :cheers:
Post by: MarkGU on February 21, 2013, 07:51:55 PM
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says,
"How bad is it doc?
I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said,
"I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay by next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage,
and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl.
They get married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room,
she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he saw them, believe it or not. She says,
"You'll be the first;
no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says,
"Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!" :cup:
Post by: JU5T1N on February 21, 2013, 08:21:10 PM
Post by: JU5T1N on February 21, 2013, 09:25:15 PM
Post by: BigJules on February 22, 2013, 12:05:01 PM
Wayne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realised that his wife, Chardonnay, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Wayne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and it hit her in the head, is that correct?"
Wayne : "Yes mate, that's correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged in her anus."
Wayne : "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "It was, yes"
Wayne : "That was my provisional
Post by: wiggo on February 22, 2013, 12:17:38 PM
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, ‘Common Sense’,
who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons
as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could
not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge
settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
- and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Post by: wiggo on February 22, 2013, 12:20:50 PM
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?’
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following
text: "I love you, sweetheart."
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text
messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this ???
2. Ah, mother of my children, are you sick ?
3. I love you too !!
4. What now ? Did you crash the car again ?
5. I don’t understand what you mean ?
6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time !
7. What the hell?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me !
Post by: MarkGU on February 25, 2013, 11:34:08 AM
"Looking for a man with 3 qualifications:
won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me
& is great in bed." 2 days later her doorbell
rings. "Hi," her visitor announces. "I have no
... arms so I won’t beat you & no legs so I
won't run away." "What makes you think
you're great in bed?" the woman asks. He
replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
:cup:
Post by: BigJules on February 25, 2013, 12:38:26 PM
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex ˆ occasionally - and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife / husband any more. He / she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
Post by: lino6 on February 25, 2013, 02:17:02 PM
"most uncomfortable thing I've ever done" he said to me.
"Why is that , not comfortable with the dirty talk?" I asked.
"No, I have to buy a smaller phone I think" he said...
Post by: MarkGU on February 25, 2013, 07:34:34 PM
-
Crow Mortality Rate Study
A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Cooma NSW Aus., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The State hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
Now you know!
Post by: Mallory Black on February 26, 2013, 05:12:10 PM
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage!"
Post by: MADCOW on February 27, 2013, 06:54:39 AM
Son asked his mum the other day "Why is England called a kingdom?" Mum replies it because a long time ago they were ruled by a king! Hmmm son thinks and then replies "well why do we call Australia a country?"
Post by: Ricklanga on February 27, 2013, 09:00:35 AM
To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - bang! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Christ," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer. The living room is a mess. There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window. A man sits on the couch.
When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that stupid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sex with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Post by: Ricklanga on February 27, 2013, 09:26:01 AM
"How did you receive these injuries?" the doctor asked.
"I was playing golf with my wife," The man replied.
The doctor was incredulous. "How could you possibly have been injured this severely playing golf with your wife?" he asked.
The man explained what happened. He and his wife both hit their tee shots on the first hole off line. "I hooked mine into the woods, left," The man said, "while my wife hit a huge slice that flew into a cow pasture on the right side of the hole."
After the man found his ball and hit it back into the fairway, he explained, he went to help his wife locate her tee shot.
"I was walking around amongst the cows," The man explained, "when I spotted something white on the backside of a heifer. I went over to it and lifted its tail, and sure enough, my wife's ball had lodged right in the heifer's posterior!
"So I pointed at the heifer's backside and yelled over to my wife, 'Hey, honey, this looks like yours.' "
Post by: lino6 on February 27, 2013, 04:05:48 PM
Post by: MarkGU on March 02, 2013, 06:03:13 AM
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,''calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
Post by: wiggo on March 02, 2013, 07:30:36 AM
The barman looks at him and says,
"You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working,"replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card..
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .......
> ..
> ..
> ..
> ..
> ..
"What the f@#$ would they want with a plasterer??!"
Post by: Kangaron on March 02, 2013, 08:19:24 PM
It is now common knowledge that many victims contracted it in 2010......, but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realise how destructive this disease is.
This is sad because GONORRHEA LECTOR is so easily cured with a new drug coming onto the market, called VOTEROUT. You take the first dose in 2013, the second dose in 2016, and simply don't engage in such behaviour again; otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe-out all of us here in Australia!!
Please pass the information of this miraculous cure on to anyone you know who might still be infected with GONORRHEA LECTOR before it's too late!!
Post by: Marschy on March 02, 2013, 08:31:29 PM
If you get it they lock you up in room and feed you on a permanent diet of pizzas and pancakes, cause that's the only thing that will slide under the door.
Post by: MarkGU on March 03, 2013, 05:31:19 PM
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a marriage weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's
favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
' White Wings, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy ...
Post by: MarkGU on March 04, 2013, 03:37:14 PM
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
Post by: JU5T1N on March 04, 2013, 09:37:56 PM
Post by: MarkGU on March 08, 2013, 08:25:48 PM
The Undertakers tell the OZ diplomats: "You can have her shipped home for $1 million or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $1000."
The OZ diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the Undertaker and tell him they still want Gillard flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get her home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $1000?"
One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk".
Post by: Pipeliner on March 13, 2013, 07:26:50 AM
So blokes don't get shouted at for leaving the seat up.
Post by: JU5T1N on March 13, 2013, 08:39:29 PM
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now, I'm 40 and just looking for a girl with big ( @ )( @ )
Post by: JU5T1N on March 13, 2013, 09:58:54 PM
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LVorKLvITnQ/UQkd8qnYpzI/AAAAAAAAAiM/Qr4UGvMJxzk/s400/sexual+joke.jpg)
Post by: Bird on March 14, 2013, 09:11:02 AM
Oh, don't you worry about that. He loves kids... :D
Post by: JU5T1N on March 14, 2013, 04:36:10 PM
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
Post by: JU5T1N on March 14, 2013, 04:38:46 PM
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
Post by: JU5T1N on March 14, 2013, 04:41:32 PM
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Post by: JU5T1N on March 24, 2013, 09:10:42 AM
A few months later, however, Tom decided to invest his money in a small, but lucrative, franchise business. After weeks of negotiations he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew little about running a business. He decided he had to hire someone who could help him out.
After advertising in the local press he received several interesting CVs and eventually set up three interviews. The first candidate was very promising. He was intelligent, friendly and seemed to know everything he needed to. As the interview drew to a conclusion, the applicant commented, “I couldn’t help but notice, but you don’t appear to have any ears.” Tom was very disappointed by his lack of tact and decided there and then that he was not right for the job.
The second interviewee was a woman and she was even better than the first. At the end of the interview he asked her directly: “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Tom again felt slightly offended and decided not to employ her.
The third and final interviewee was the best of all three, a young graduate fresh out of business school. He was very smart, he was very easy to get along with and he seemed to have more about him than the first two put together. Tom was apprehensive, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Tom was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man replied, “Well, it’s obvious really. You can’t wear glasses if you haven’t got any f-ing ears!”
Post by: JU5T1N on March 24, 2013, 09:26:33 AM
Post by: cancan on March 27, 2013, 03:42:24 PM
An Irish woman is cleaning her husband's rifle and accidentally discharges it and shoots him.
She immediately dials 999.
Irish woman : '' It's my fooken' husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken' killed him ! ''
999 Operator : '' Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead ! ''
*click* .. *BANG !*
Irish woman : '' Okay, I've done dat.................... What's next ? ''
Post by: carinya on April 05, 2013, 08:42:26 AM
Attendance call on the first day back at school in Bankstown, Sydney.
The teacher takes the roll call:
"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?"
"Here."
"athina Al Chadoury? "
"Here."
"Abdul Alu Kohl?"
"Here."
"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."
"Mi Cha El Oh Ben " Silence in the classroom..
"Mi Cha El Oh Ben"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Oh Ben ?"
A boy puts his hand up and says, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced/*Michael OBrien."
Post by: MarkGU on April 22, 2013, 10:14:46 AM
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
Post by: MarkGU on July 15, 2013, 08:26:35 PM
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!
Post by: noel_w on July 15, 2013, 09:57:17 PM
"Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, “You can't do that - you'll destroy The reputation of the Church!"...
"This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!"
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did It cost you?"
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "....two million Dollars..."
"TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper, "they must have seen you coming!"
Post by: Tjupurula on July 16, 2013, 07:37:28 AM
Tjupurula
Post by: bushrat on July 16, 2013, 05:19:57 PM
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know Shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
Post by: Marschy on July 16, 2013, 07:13:36 PM
As the man gets nearer to her he can't help but notice how pretty she is, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
He says in a friendly voice, "Hello there, that's a marvelous looking dog you have there. What's his name". She replies in an angelic voice, "His is name is Piggy".
"And what is your name then?", he asks. "My name is Petal" she responds.
"What a lovely name you've got, how did you get it?" he enquires.
"Well, my mummy told me when she and Daddy made me, a flower fell on her head, so she thought that if she ever had a baby girl, she would name her Petal".
"What a lovely story", he exclaimed. "And how did your doggy get his name?", he asked.
"Oh, he farks pigs"
Post by: lino6 on July 16, 2013, 08:44:50 PM
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on July 18, 2013, 08:46:15 AM
NSW trying to win state of origin... bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .
Post by: Moggy on July 18, 2013, 09:49:10 PM
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.
'Oh, Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
' And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f#cking Coco Pops'
Post by: Moggy on July 18, 2013, 09:51:27 PM
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
Two tv aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
A man walks into a doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Oh my!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
My house got broken into last night, they stole all my dictionary's and my scrabble set!
Needless to say, I'm lost for words.
Post by: Moggy on July 18, 2013, 10:04:27 PM
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over.. 'Nope.
Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bob yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat.
Post by: truck on July 19, 2013, 12:23:51 PM
The granddaughter did this religiously to the age of 103 when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Post by: lino6 on July 20, 2013, 10:29:02 AM
Post by: HEM19X on July 21, 2013, 07:25:15 AM
Post by: olddigger on July 22, 2013, 07:29:26 PM
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls. You must be Kevin Rudd."
Post by: McGirr on July 23, 2013, 06:33:26 AM
Fred: "After all the crap they are finally back together!!!"
Susie: "Who?"
Fred: "My butt cheeks!"
Mark
Post by: MADCOW on July 23, 2013, 07:54:20 AM
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Post by: Moggy on August 08, 2013, 08:00:51 PM
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep And woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!
Post by: xcvator on August 15, 2013, 01:00:24 PM
Post by: gunna on August 20, 2013, 05:07:52 PM
Hi Bob,
I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
:cheers: sheeds
Post by: CGS on August 20, 2013, 05:17:02 PM
Post by: murmar on August 20, 2013, 09:29:35 PM
V
V
V
Blue paint.
(a good dad joke ;D)
Post by: Robbo on September 08, 2013, 01:47:45 AM
Federal Court Ruling from the Courier Mail, Australia.
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when
he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him..
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they
also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare
officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Rugby team,
whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone... ;D
Post by: MarkGU on September 20, 2013, 09:12:12 PM
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”
Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.
Post by: Mallory Black on October 03, 2013, 09:47:30 PM
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't really give a Shit what you think."
Post by: Marschy on October 04, 2013, 10:24:32 AM
"That'll be us in ten years.
He said, "That's a mirror, you dick head."
Post by: lino6 on October 04, 2013, 04:19:10 PM
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?
These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Post by: Dillonator on October 05, 2013, 07:11:49 PM
Says the bartender: "oi, we don't serve your kind in here"
Mushroom:"why not, I'm a Fun-guy"
Post by: yupyup on December 15, 2013, 08:24:38 PM
Just have to share this LOL
WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.
Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff.
You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!
I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to
create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the
night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other
aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning
of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments
later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
******************************
Post by: scarps on January 19, 2014, 09:27:09 AM
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear Stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death, or I have rough sex with you.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So, he bent over again, and the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
Post by: bobnrob on February 12, 2014, 09:14:23 AM
She's missed out on so many things from the past 10 years.
Imagine when she goes to use a supermarket self serve for the first time...
"Unexpected item in bagging area"
F*@k, not this again!!!
Post by: Robbo on February 14, 2014, 08:51:23 AM
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's minivan when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes a look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
Post by: Pipeliner on February 18, 2014, 08:13:44 AM
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came over and they gave their drink order..
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'the chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.
'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,
'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"'
Post by: MarkGU on February 22, 2014, 04:33:34 PM
The driver replied, “about what?”
Post by: MarkGU on February 22, 2014, 04:34:36 PM
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper
Post by: MarkGU on February 24, 2014, 08:17:54 PM
A. New Zealand.
Post by: Hairs on February 25, 2014, 05:49:19 AM
Post by: MADCOW on February 25, 2014, 12:01:46 PM
Amhere
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim
Post by: RobM on February 25, 2014, 12:17:40 PM
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He simply said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home . . . and left it there all night.
Post by: Black Diamond on February 25, 2014, 06:47:17 PM
What type of tricks do Rabbits do on a BMX bike?? BUNNY HOPS....... God love her soul ;D
:cheers:
She just backed it up with :
Why did the orange stop rolling?? It ran out of juice ;D. My ribs I can't stop laughing :cheers:
And again she is a comedian. What do you call a cow with no legs?? Ground Beef ;D
God love her
Post by: Swannie on February 26, 2014, 05:06:05 PM
My 8yr old daughter just came and told me one.:cup:
What type of tricks do Rabbits do on a BMX bike?? BUNNY HOPS....... God love her soul ;D
:cheers:
She just backed it up with :
Why did the orange stop rolling?? It ran out of juice ;D. My ribs I can't stop laughing :cheers:
And again she is a comedian. What do you call a cow with no legs?? Ground Beef ;D
God love her
Post by: xcvator on February 26, 2014, 06:42:29 PM
:cup:
Jeez Swannie, don't encourage him >:D
Post by: Hairs on February 27, 2014, 05:21:03 AM
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife"
???
Post by: Robbo on March 02, 2014, 11:45:37 AM
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Post by: Patr80l on March 02, 2014, 08:56:53 PM
Post by: 666Glenn on March 05, 2014, 10:25:26 AM
Well, here`s a great idea!
Watch your wedding video backwards .
The night starts with you getting a shot away....
Then you have a great time and sober up without a hangover......
You`ll love the end bit where you take the ring off , go back down the
aisle , jump in the car and take off with your mates.
Post by: Patr80l on March 05, 2014, 10:33:59 AM
The nurse wasn't sure how to approach this question with their oldest pilot. Even though he was close to retirement, there were rumors of him being a bit of a ladies man.
When asked the question he told the young nurse "1955".
She was shocked and told the pilot that was a long time ago.
He looked at his watch and said "Why? It's only twenty-one hundred now."
Post by: Robbo on March 08, 2014, 12:13:45 PM
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Post by: MattNQ on March 28, 2014, 10:41:31 PM
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the Big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him This time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
Post by: MarkGU on April 01, 2014, 09:30:05 PM
Boss : Yeah, go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee: (After few mins) ,done sir
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more
Employee: Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home
Post by: GGV8Cruza on April 02, 2014, 08:40:32 PM
GG
Post by: Swannie on April 03, 2014, 07:10:15 PM
Swannie
Post by: Cruiser 105Tvan on April 03, 2014, 09:19:33 PM
HUMPFREE
Post by: lino6 on May 05, 2014, 06:52:19 PM
Post by: HEM19X on May 06, 2014, 06:50:14 AM
Post by: Patr80l on May 06, 2014, 07:39:06 AM
Statistics state that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are NOT HAPPY!!!!!and half the population has below average intelligence.
Post by: Nomad on May 07, 2014, 06:33:17 PM
I think it should be the goal of every New Zealander to be tolerant, regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. They are seeking tolerance, and so are we.
So we could call one of the clubs "The Turban Cowboy " and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specialises in pork, and adjacent to that would be an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called ?Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ",with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, with its name in flashing neon lights, ?Koranal Knowledge ".
And on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance that they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others. Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
Post by: lino6 on May 14, 2014, 11:27:28 AM
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
Post by: scarps on May 14, 2014, 11:37:58 AM
Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
And whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy..........
Post by: Cruiser 105Tvan on May 14, 2014, 01:33:07 PM
That's when the fight started, again.
Post by: lino6 on June 11, 2014, 08:37:28 PM
^
^
^
^
^
^
A "no-lux"
Post by: lochgilphead on June 11, 2014, 10:08:17 PM
The bloke just looks at her and says "It's started.
Post by: Cruiser 105Tvan on June 11, 2014, 10:31:44 PM
Post by: MarkGU on June 21, 2014, 09:32:10 PM
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare
Post by: Patr80l on June 21, 2014, 09:58:26 PM
Post by: MarkGU on July 02, 2014, 08:35:03 PM
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
Post by: noel_w on July 02, 2014, 10:52:18 PM
Post by: Ynot on July 03, 2014, 08:18:39 PM
After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'
Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'
The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'
'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'
'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.
The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'
Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.
Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'
'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.
'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'
Post by: Patr80l on July 08, 2014, 09:52:58 AM
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
Post by: Bunyip on July 08, 2014, 04:14:55 PM
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Post by: HEM19X on July 09, 2014, 01:52:51 AM
World Cup 2014
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
:cup: :cup: :cup: PMSL
Post by: scarps on July 13, 2014, 09:10:24 AM
In the gate and up the long driveway came a clean cut young man who paused at the foot of the front steps and said politely, "G'day sir. I'm Clance. I've come to take Nance to the Dance,"
The farmer looked him up and down, kept cleaning his gun and said, "Roghty-o Clance. I like your stance. You can take Nance to the dance," he called to his daughter who gleefully ran out to the relieved suitor and the pair walked out the gate arm in arm.
As they left, in walked another cleancut young man who nervously ran his new Akubra around his fingers and introduced himself, "Uh, g'day sir. I'm Joe. I've come to take Flo to the show,"
The farmer rested the gun across his knee, rubbed his chin and said, "Ok Joe, you can take Flo to the show. Off you go,"
Again he called for his daughter who happily walked out, took the young mans arm and headed out the gate.
As they walked out the gate a noisy ute blared it's "Dixie" horn at them and entered the dirt driveway sideways and arrived in front of the verandah under locked brakes and a huge dusty skid. From under his furrowed brow the farmer disdainfully looked at the utes array of aerials, mudflaps, B & S stickers and 5 poster bullbar. From this vehicle climbed the classic Concrete Cowboy who announced, "Hey mate! My name's Buck, and with a bit of luck....."
The farmer shot him.
Post by: xcvator on July 13, 2014, 01:00:48 PM
Riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, cutting the grass.
As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine
And spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' Jeepers Creepers commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt
Like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the
Neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around
Midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'
Jeepers thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet
With only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to
Guess who it is..'
The mowerman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'
Post by: xcvator on July 13, 2014, 01:07:43 PM
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable
words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl#wj#b.'
Post by: Moggy on July 13, 2014, 05:17:41 PM
Pmrofl at these last two. They will be recycled at next reef fishing trip
Post by: lino6 on July 13, 2014, 08:12:25 PM
Post by: scarps on July 13, 2014, 08:20:55 PM
Farted on the bus today. The 4 people sitting in front of me spun around. Felt like I was on The Voice.....pmsl rotflmao
Post by: xcvator on July 14, 2014, 11:26:22 AM
A: Kermit's undivided attention.
Post by: xcvator on July 17, 2014, 09:41:32 AM
"What would you do if I won the lottery?" Tom asked his wife.
"I would take half and leave you." answer his wife.
Tom replied "Great. I won $6.50, heres your $3.25."
Post by: xcvator on July 17, 2014, 09:42:46 AM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a f@#kin' cat!!!
Post by: xcvator on July 21, 2014, 12:51:41 PM
Doctor: "My god...what happened?"
Woman: “Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home after a few beers he beats me up."
Doctor: "Well I have a really good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just make a cup of green tea, take a sip and start swirling it in your mouth. Don't drink it, just swirl it around and around for a while".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks all healthy and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, the green tea thing was brilliant! Every time my husband came home drunk, I sipped and swirled repeatedly with green tea and now he never touches me."
Doctor: "Excellent...so now you can see why keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea!!!"
Post by: xcvator on July 21, 2014, 01:06:21 PM
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, Time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me! Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of the story? Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
Post by: scarps on July 21, 2014, 01:25:56 PM
don't mess with old farts >:D >:Dah yes, with age comes wisdom.
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, Time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me! Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of the story? Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
Some days I wish I knew then what I knew now. Some days I wish I could remember what I actually did yesterday:-)
Post by: xcvator on July 21, 2014, 08:30:45 PM
What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A cock that stays up all night. ;D ;D
Post by: Swannie on July 21, 2014, 09:09:11 PM
Humphrey
Post by: xcvator on July 21, 2014, 09:52:05 PM
What do you call a camel with. 3 humpsC'mon Greg, your kids can do better than that ;D
Humphrey
Post by: MattNQ on July 22, 2014, 09:34:41 AM
I used to be addicted to soap.........but I'm clean now!
Post by: aussie9 on July 22, 2014, 12:01:41 PM
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Post by: lino6 on July 22, 2014, 12:15:47 PM
Post by: kylarama on July 22, 2014, 05:16:54 PM
Post by: graham on July 22, 2014, 07:27:25 PM
guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film.
He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"Umm I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to
cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief,
"What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself.
This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out.
You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about"
Post by: Ynot on July 22, 2014, 07:40:34 PM
Corker!
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
Post by: xcvator on July 22, 2014, 07:42:30 PM
I think we keel you laast ;D ;D ;D ;D
Post by: lino6 on July 22, 2014, 07:55:44 PM
Post by: xcvator on July 22, 2014, 08:45:36 PM
Post by: lino6 on July 22, 2014, 09:15:14 PM
Don't know about the dance but the leper colony were holding a poker tournament where one bloke through in a dead hand :angel:
The other 2 laughed their heads off!
Post by: Brumbypt on July 22, 2014, 10:17:30 PM
Cos he wasnt happy with his REAL Ladder....
Sent by telegram stop
Post by: Jeepers Creepers on July 26, 2014, 06:38:46 AM
Post by: scarps on July 26, 2014, 06:54:07 AM
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"5minutes for sex, that guy's got stamina for sure. Must be coz he eats his greens?
Post by: Rodt on July 26, 2014, 08:26:53 AM
One goes whack f**k the other goes f**k whack
Post by: xcvator on July 26, 2014, 10:03:44 AM
Well one is for cunning stunts and the other is for stunning ...................fish ???
Post by: Swannie on July 26, 2014, 11:26:21 AM
Post by: rockman on July 26, 2014, 12:48:14 PM
I farted and 3 people turned around and looked at me ...
I thought I was on ' The Voice "
Post by: Robbo on July 30, 2014, 07:15:49 AM
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
Post by: gutters on July 30, 2014, 08:26:40 AM
Robbo I almost spat my coffee all over the bloke sitting in front of me on the train. :cup:
Post by: scarpsD40 on September 09, 2015, 10:45:15 PM
He said, "A few of the neighbours are complaining about the music."
I said, "You're joking? It's only 7pm."
"I don't care if it's 1 in the afternoon," he replied. "One Direction are still ****!