Phriday funneez

[Crazy Dog]

This ones for Sharyn,


So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
 Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.  
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).  
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.  
"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying..........
 

 
.
"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "


Grrr!!!

[time]

Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jim's
minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They
pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jim said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jim got an
unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it
out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes, ' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm
afraid I did..' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

[graylyn]

Another Irish joke:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to  spending the rest of me life,
Between the  legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,"Here’s to spending
The rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other nightat the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me,  and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time 
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[areyonga]

 
 
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

[areyonga]

And one for the campers