Seeing as the standard has already been set here, I thought I might follow on.... so to speak.
Last Tuesday, I wake up with a mild dose of the mission brown squirts. No probs, pop a Lomital (or however ya spell it) and off to work. No squirts, no more worries, except, by Thursday, I haven't pooped.
I'm would tighter than a lowered coil spring in an 18 year old's Commodore.
So, to solve the problem, I ate some good ol laxette. Couple of hours gone, still no swift and shift, so I had some more.
Now, about 2pm and I'm almost finished the last mow job for the day, when I start fartin. Those cute little pop offs ya do when ya walking, so as I'm mowing the last 2 strips across a yard, I start laughing, as it sounds like a second hand outboard with a dodgy spark plug.
By the time the mower goes in the trailer, I've stopped laughing and started walking with my bum clenched tight.
Quick, and I mean QUICK blow of the paths and i'm outta there.
Horrendous stomach cramps have taken over, sweat is pouring off my head like a fountain, I'm doubled over with my head almost on the steering wheel as I drive like an idiot in my quest for a loo.
Part way home, my cramp have eased i'm safe again for a home based loo, but i'm still fartin, it sounded like a pond full of bullfrogs now, as I know, that for me, time was running out fast.
Next thing, Mrs Jeepers calls and says can I pick up a tap fitting at the hardware store on my way home.
Oh Honey, I replied, I don't think I'll make it, I might sh!t myself.
Don't be so furkin stupid, just duck in, it'll take you no time and you're driving right past the store.
So, as I've reached the garden section, the cramps and sweating starts up again, so I raced to the back of the shop, as I know where the staff loo is, right next to the lunch room.
Great, the only woman that works there, is having her afternoon tea or late lunch or something.
I dived into the plumbing section, which appeared to be empty. (Thank Christ for small town living)
I'm bent over, bracing myself against the display shelf looking at two display toilets, but I couldn't do it, when all of a sudden, I let rip with a fart. It was like a roll of thunder that's coming from 10 klm away, building in pitch and volume before that almighty bang at the end.
I seriously thought I was going to loose my water tight seal then and there.
All good, undies still intact, but the stench was terrible.
Just then, a little kid stuck his head around the corner and said... You farted.
Then nicks off giggling says, Mummy, that man farted.
I took off straight out through the timber section and made it home......just.
Wife says through the toilet door, where's my tap fitting.........
What is with women....
